Everybody Loves Tsuna
by X Prodigy
Summary: After an accident with an experimental bullet, Tsuna finds himself in a dire situation; everyone is infatuated with him! With friends and enemies now desperate to steal his heart, can the Vongola Tenth survive until the effects wear off? If they wear off?
1. Worst Morning in History

Everybody Loves Tsuna

Worst Morning in the History of Worst Mornings…

It had been a really bad day for Sawada Tsunayoshi, a REALLY bad day.

It seemed as if everything that could have possibly gone wrong, had gone wrong. Where to begin? He hadn't even opened his eyes before he found himself looking down the barrel of Reborn's gun. Apparently, dodging bullets on a Monday morning was part of his training to becoming a great Mafia boss.

The Arcobeleno had even kindly given him a five second head start to prepare himself.

Bad news? He had already counted four.

After tumbling down the stairs while avoiding a hailstorm of bullets, he found himself caught up in the arguments of his houses youngest residents; Lambo and Ipin. After non-stop complaining over who got the last donut, Lambo had started tossing grenades.

One of which landed on his head, and sent him through the nearest wall.

After finally getting a second's peace and got himself dressed for school, he found that in the time he applied plasters and cream to his bruises and burns all of his breakfast had been eaten. His mother had no food left and so ran out in a blind rush to the grocery store.

Bianchi, for once, had kindly offered to make him breakfast herself. He ended up having a whole feast of poison cooking in front of him.

After somehow managing to stomach a single slice of poison toast, and promptly throwing up in the closest toilet bowl, he slipped out of the house before Bianchi forced him to ingest her fifteen layer poison pie.

But not before Futa had kindly shouted out, in the nicest way possible, that today promised to be the first ranked worst day of his life. Ever.

With that knowledge in mind, the future heir of the Vongola Family headed out into the freezing morning, realizing that in his rush he had not brought his jacket with him.

"It's just a rough Monday morning, just a rough morning, there's no way this could be the worst day ever, could it?" Tsuna had tried to reassure himself that Futa had been mistaken before, and besides, after all he had been through - today couldn't be that bad.

Could it?

* * *

"SAWADA!"

Meeting Sasagawa Ryohei on the road to school was the first landmark of his day. The boxer had recovered nicely since his fight with the Varia, and was back doing thirty mile laps like the machine he always was, doing things to the extreme. Always to the extreme.

"Sasagawa-san?" Tsuna spoke out, watching as the boxer came rushing down the road, punching the air every few steps.

"Are you sure you should be training so soon? You're arm was in a cast less than a week ago" the Vongola heir asked, concerned as always.

"Like I would let something as minor as a broken arm stop me from training! I gained a lot of weight from sitting in that hospital bed! Now I'm pushing my body back into shape to the extreme!" Sasagawa declared, pumping said arm into the air triumphantly.

_"How is a broken arm minor?"_ Tsuna thought to himself.

"O-Okay then, I should really be getting to sch-"

The next thing he knew he was caught in a headlock. The Sun Guardian had that same look in his eyes as he always did, which usually meant he was going to burst out into some kind of stupid and unreal training routine. "Come on Sawada! You and I are going to lap the entire of Namimori! We'll run past all the losers who don't life to the extreme! We'll show them our passion when we beat them to class after we've ran through the entire town! Then everyone we'll know we live life to the EXTREME!" the boxer yelled, right into Tsuna'a ear.

"The whole town? But school starts in twenty minutes!" Tsuna objected, hoping he would listened to reason.

He then realised how stupid that sounded.

"Let's go Sawada! RUN TO THE EXTREME!" Sasagawa yelled, beginning to run at top speed.

The sheer testosterone filled thrill of living life to the extreme was so great, that the Sun Guardian forgot that he had the heir to the Vongola Family still tied caught in a headlock…

* * *

It was one hour since the bell had gone when Sasagawa and Tsuna arrived at school. Sasagawa raised his arms to the sky and howled in triumph at beating his previous record.

"EXTREME!" he declared.

Tsuna fell flat onto his face, feeling like his head was about to split open. He had screamed at Sasagawa for the last hour and a half to let go of his head, but his voice was drowned out by the sheer amount of "extremes" that the Sun Guardian had yelled out.

As the blood gradually flowed back into his body, Tsuna forced himself to stand up. He only got as far as pushing himself onto his knees, and it was there that he noticed a shadow had covered him.

Praying to whatever God was popular nowadays it wasn't who he thought it was, he looked up into the eyes of the Discipline Committees Leader, and it was then he started to believe in Futa's prediction.

Hibari Kyoya had a few bandages over his face, still healing from the final confrontation with the Varia, after all Belphegor had landed some pretty deep blows with those knives of his.

You would have thought that after going through a whole series of battles together, overcoming people like Mukuro and Xanxus, that they would have built some form of friendship with one another.

"You're late, your disturbing the peace, get to class now or I'll bite you to death"

Nope, not even a handshake.

* * *

After being forced to repeat to the teacher why he was late for school five times, Tsuna enjoyed the luxury of the laughter of his classmates. Not to mention, seeing his love interests face fall into a look of embarrassment when she learnt that her brother had been detained for being late again.

The rest of the morning went by with a few failed tests here and there, and that's how Tsuna would have liked it. However.

"AIEE!" he yelled out when he felt something sharp hit the back of his head. He swerved to see one of the jocks at the back of the classroom, a collection of tennis balls laid out in front of him.

Namimori's tennis champion, Techio Kyusa, hadn't taken well to Tsuna over the last few months, especially considering Tsuna's fight with Xanxus had led to the destruction of the gym where the tennis championships were taking place next week.

The Varia's own personal damage control teams had managed to clean up most of the damage done to the school, the gym wasn't one of them.

With the possibility of a championship out of the window, Techio had decided to take his frustration out on Tsuna, by seeing how many balls he could throw into the back of his head before the teacher sent him out.

"T-Techio-san" Tsuna asked in a meek voice.

"What?"

"Could you possibly stop throwing tennis balls at my head?" he asked, trying to make the statement sound as nicely forceful as possible.

He received another two tennis balls to the face.

This time Tsuna's cries to pain didn't go unheard. Mrs Yusaki, his math teacher, turned around and bellowed at the tennis champion in a stressed voice.

"Techio Kyusa! Put those things away right now! You do not throw anything in my class!" she yelled out as best she could.

Tsuna received another four tennis balls to the head.

"That's it! Step outside! Now!" she bellowed.

Shiona Yusaki was the youngest teacher in the school, a fair lady with long blue strands of hair and pearl eyes. She was a nice woman, and thought very highly of Tsuna, even tolerated the moments when he seemed to bring a blizzard straight form Hell into her classroom, which in recent days had ranged from fights, swords and even a teenager in a cow suit.

Techio was planning to see how long it took before she resorted to bringing the principal into the predicament, he could get a few more hits in before then.

Unfortunately for him, another student had risen out of his chair, and on his face a look of death, by fire.

"How dare you harm the Tenth…" Gokudera Hayato whispered with silent ferocity.

"Hmm? Oh yeah, you, the Italian weirdo who seems to have a fetish for Sawada" Techio grinned, causing a small murmur of laughter to arise from the class.

"G-Gokudera-kun! It's okay, I'm fine! There's no need for you to-" Tsuna realized how futile his words were when Gokudera revealed a stick of dynamite between each finger, already lit.

"Do not waste your breath Tenth! This low-life has no place insulting you! As your right hand man, I will not allow him to raise a hand to you!" the Storm Guardian declared.

"Is that…dynamite?" Techio asked, going slightly pale.

"Gokudera Hayato! Please return to your seat! There is no violence in my class!" Mrs Yusaki frantically yelled, desperately trying to regain order to her class.

"Gokudera-kun! Please don't-" Tsuna yelled out.

An entire side of the school building went up in flames.

* * *

"A thousand apologies Tenth! I didn't mean for you to be caught up in the explosion! I just meant to kill that jock! I am not worthy of your forgiveness!" Gokudera frantically cried out, bowing his head at Tsuna's feet for the one hundredth time.

The medics had covered up Tsuna's face with bandages , and were applying ice-cold lotions to soothe the burns he had got on his arms and shoulders. Still, compared to Techio, who was now in a full-body cast, he had gotten off quite lightly.

Mrs Yusaki was in hysterics, stating that it wasn't in her contract to deal with explosives, and the school was going to have to take out a new loan to repair the classroom, which was now nothing more than ash and debris.

Hibari had sent Tsuna a look that would haunt him until he died, and probably after that as well. He was now currently bullying the school committee into providing funds for immediate repair.

"I am not worthy to be your right hand! Not even your left!" Gokudera wailed, sobbing on the concrete below.

"It's okay Gokudera…it could have happened to anyone" Tsuna remarked, wincing as more lotion was applied to an especially bad wound on his neck.

"Because of my recklessness, you may be hideously scarred for the rest of your life, AND I WILL HAVE TO LIVE WITH THE GUILT!" He wailed, pounding the floor with his fist.

"_You'll have to live with it? What about me?" _Tsuna thought to himself.

"I can't go one with that kind of burden…farewell Tenth!" Gokudera proclaimed, taking out a hidden bit of dynamite, lighting it, and putting it in his mouth.

Tsuna leapt to his feet.

"NO WAIT! YOU'RE PARDONED GOKUDERA! YOU'RE STILL MY RIGHT-HAND MAN!" Tsuna howled, trying to stop his guardian from committing hara-kiri.

"R-Really?" the grey-haired teen asked, the stick of dynamite falling out on his mouth and onto the pavement below.

"Thank you Tenth! I am not worthy of your kindness!" Gokudera wailed, slamming his palms onto Tsuna's burnt shoulders, causing the Vongola heir to let out a high-pitch shriek.

So loud in fact that another window smashed, and he received yet another death-glare from Hibari. This time, he knew he was going to be bitten to death by needles and a blowtorch.

"I shall never let anything harm you from this moment onwards!" Gokudera proclaimed.

"Gokudera, you don't have to spend everyday protecting - do you hear a hissing sound?" Tsuna asked.

Both boys looked down to see the last stick of dynamite, still burning until it eventually consumed the entire wick. It then started to shake like any piece of dynamite would right before it exploded.

"Oh no…" Tsuna thought aloud.

It wasn't the furthest that Tsuna had travelled, one of Xanxus's punches had sent him further, still the dynamite sent the tenth generation Vongola boss flying from the ambulance onto the painful ground with a mighty thud.

"Oh my head…how does he even manage to carry that much dynamite?" Tsuna muttered to himself.

Not wanted to waste time lying on the ground, he pulled himself up despite the soreness in his arm, when his face was met with something soft.

Now this wasn't a normal sight for Tsuna, in fact he had never seen it before. It was one of those things that his dark side craved by his regular side was just to scared to discuss. But now here he was, in the middle of the school grounds, with various students looking at him.

Sasagawa Kyoko had chosen today of all days to wear a short skirt, and Tsuna had chosen today of all days to be sent rocketing in such a way that he was now peering up them.

Every part of Tsuna was begging Reborn to come along and shoot him in the head.

"EEEEEHHH!" both of them yelled, the red-haired girl rapidly backing up.

"K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-Kyoko-chan?" Tsuna wailed, falling to his knees and bowing his head as if he were meeting a feudal lord.

"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! I'm so so so sorry!" Tsuna yelled, so panicked that he didn't even here some of the cries that were surrounding him.

"T-Tsuna-kun?" Kyoko spoke out.

"This was so wrong! I can't say how sorry I am!"

"Tsuna-kun, I think you should-"

"I'm so sorry that I accidentally and completely unintentionally looked up your skirt!"

"Tsuna, you really need to-"

"I promise I'll go see a psychotherapist and have the memory wiped from my mind so I won't even have the faintest recollection of seeing you underwear!"

"TSUNA!" Kyoko cried out.

"Huh?" Tsuna asked, looking up at her.

Her face was full of fear, and not of disgust.

"You're on fire!" she wailed.

It was only then that he noticed the small spark that had caught the rim of his school uniform from the aftermath of the explosion had grown into a full-fledged fire that was creeping up his back.

That's when the panicking started again.

"GAAAHHHHH!" Tsuna cried, running in circles, falling to the floor, doing cartwheels, whatever took his fancy as he desperately tried to stomp out the flames that were getting bigger by the minute.

"HELP! I'M ON FIRE!" he yelled, as if it wasn't obvious enough.

"I'm coming Tenth!" Gokudera's voice could be heard as he barged his way past other students.

He eventually knocked out a nearby fireman, stole the hose from a nearby fire engine and turned on the high pressure water. Instantly a jet of ice-cold water shot out form the hose, drenching the mafia boss. Tsuna's cries were drowned out by the sheer power of the hose, until after twenty minutes when Gokudera decided that the fire should be out by.

Unfortunately, the high pressure of the water had always ripped away most of Tsuna's clothes, leaving him, once again, in his underwear.

No one really said a word after that, Gokudera couldn't find enough apologies in his vocabulary to even begin to say that he was sorry, and everyone else just stared.

It wasn't funny, it was just sad.

Tsuna stood on the spot, wondering which were the droplets of water and which were his tears of embarrassment. He hated his life, he hated his social standing, he hated the fact that after enduring weeks of torturous training, worrying if he was going to live to see another day after fighting a team of assassins, this is what he remained as.

No-Good Tsuna.

He turned to a nearby fireman.

"Could you please take me home…"

* * *

Reborn was practising tossing bladed cards into the nearby wall when Tsuna walked through the door, drenched to the bone and looking as miserable as miserable could be.

"How was school?" Reborn asked.

Tsuna said nothing, and instead fell flat onto his bed. From his pillow, the hitman could make out sniffles and whimpers. Jumping onto the boys head, the infant hitman waited for the boy to calm down from his high school ordeals.

"You know, you'll never make a good mafia boss if you moan and groan over every little thing that goes wrong in your life" Reborn stated.

"Go away…" Tsuna moaned.

"You've overcome the Varia, put Mukuro in prison, you've accomplished more than most will ever do in their lifetimes" he consulted.

"Doesn't make me feel any better…I'm always going to be the one that's looked down upon" Tsuna groaned, burying his face deeper into the pillow.

"So you would prefer it if everyone loved you? No one is loved by everyone" Reborn remarked.

"The mafia world, and the regular world, they don't mix - no matter what I do in one world, it will never change who I am in the other world" Tsuna retorted.

Reborn was quiet for a moment, before finally jumping off of his head.

"So you would prefer life if No-Good Tsuna became Everybody Loves Tsuna?" Reborn asked.

"It…would be nice not to be at the bottom of everything" Tsuna answered.

Reborn smiled, and left the room without another word.

When he was a safe distance form Tsuna's room, Reborn took out his old time partner, Leon the Chameleon, and stroked his head.

"Time to get to work"


	2. The Infatuation Bullet: WHY?

Everybody Loves Tsuna 

The Infatuation Bullet…WHY?

Tsuna had bribed his mother to let him have the following three days off of school. When she had asked the reason for this, he simply stated that it was because of chronic depression stemming from the fact that his life was a whirlpool filled with bullying, humiliation, violence and turmoil.

She smiled sweetly and said; "Okay honey, dinner's at seven"

In order to counter the anvil of despair that had suddenly been dropped on his life, Tsuna had decided to take an afternoon walk around his neighbourhood. The sight of the sun dipping into the horizon was comforting, but still couldn't lift his gloomy mood.

There were probably rumours spreading about how Tsuna the pervert had started a fire just to try and catch a glimpse of Sasagawa Kyoko's underwear, or that he lost his temper and beat the tennis champion half-to-death with a pair of matches.

Becoming a Vongola had certainly taught him some new things though, about standing up for himself and defending what he loved, and though he would never admit it to Reborn's face; he did enjoy those times spent with his Guardians.

Even if it sometimes involved fighting freaks with personalities crazier than the Joker.

He would spend the next few days moping, he thought to himself. He would try and re-establish a relationship with Kyoko, at least so that she wouldn't be embarrassed to the point where she couldn't even look at him.

Kyoko…his first love.

He had thought of several attempts to woo her, his latest attempt involving poetry. Just as he was about to recite Sonnet 14 from Shakespeare's Works, her older brother had appeared and dragged him into a sparring match atop a stone in the middle of an overflowing river.

"_I need a distraction" _he thought to himself, and started to recite the sonnet to himself as he passed around another corner, trying to get his mind off the fact that his life was already circulating the proverbial drain.

Go to the bakers, eat a tone of savoury and sweet breads, go to the sushi restaurant where his good friend Yamamoto lived, and eat so much fish that his belly exploded. If that didn't work, he was going to go home and ask Bianchi to serve him a feast of poison cooking.

These were bleak thoughts, but life was so terrible at the moment that he didn't care. His father was away, his mother was oblivious and his friends…well…they were there for him.

"But I can't make it as a Vongola boss, how can I when I can't even face regular life?" Tsuna thought aloud.

_"…Not from the stars do I my judgement pluck, yet methinks I have astronomy. Not to tell of good or evil luck, of plagues of dearths or seasons qualities. Nor can I fortune to brief minutes tell, showing to each his own thunder, rain and wind…"

* * *

_

As he reached the final street just before the bakery, Tsuna was met by a sight that brought all of his bleak thoughts to a halt, and snapped him right back into reality.

Yamamoto was being held up, fist breaking into his face at a rapid pace. His face was bruised and blood was trickling out of his nostrils and his mouth. Tsuna's Rain Guardian was one of the strongest people he knew, albeit one of the kindest, but even he struggled when he was held down by six people, with another four constantly beating into him.

"Where's all that fancy skills now?" one of them asked cruelly, punching him in the gut.

"Bet you regret winning that tournament now, right baseball freak?" another added, landing a strong right-hook around his face.

Yamamoto had recently won a baseball tournament, despite the injuries he had gained from fighting Squalo, and had brought pride to Namimori. These guys were from the losing team, all the way form the Alimori High School, and chances were they had a bone to pick.

All thought about this morning were forgotten, and Tsuna ran forward, desperate to save his friend from getting injured anymore.

It was then that in his tantrum he had left his gloves and dying will pills back at his home, which was now fifteen minutes away. Tsuna began to panic, turning from one direction to another, looking for help or someone who looked like an ex-bouncer.

_"Not good! What do I do? If I try to help I'll end up killed, but if I just leave him…"_ Tsuna winced as he saw Yamamoto get thrown against a nearby fence, blood staining it's surface.

"I need to help!" Tsuna thought aloud.

"Then hurry up and get in there" a new voice broke his train or thought, and he turned to see Reborn standing on the fence with a gun in his hand.

"Reborn!" Tsuna cried out in joy.

"Less time talking, more fighting! A boss needs to look out for his subordinates" Reborn explained.

Of course, their conversation was just a few metres off from the tussle that Yamamoto was in. One of them turned around and saw the Vongola heir, acting hysterically as ever.

"What the hell? A friend of yours?" he asked Yamamoto, who was now black and blue, his lower lip split quite badly.

"Tsuna…?" he coughed out.

"Another Namimori student? Take him down, we don't want witnesses" the supposed alpha-male of the group ordered.

Three of the hooded figure started to walk forward, cracking their knuckles and ready to break skulls and other bones. Tsuna really had no preference for such treatment and looked at Reborn in a pleading manner, who had an unusual smirk on his face.

"Hurry up! Shoot me!" he yelled out.

"Gladly" the Arcobeleno grinned, aiming his lime-green gun at Tsuna.

With a powerful burst, a purple coloured bullet entered Tsuna's head. It didn't crack open or pierce any flesh, instead it phased through. Tsuna was accustomed to this, and ready to enter his Dying Will Mode, where his anger and passion would be released to the surface.

He would defeat all of the goons in one fell swoop, he would destroy them and make them pay for what they had done to his friend.

Or at least he would…if anything actually happened.

All Tsuna felt was a slight shockwave, similar to a ripple in a garden pond, echo into the distance. No fire atop his head, no overwhelming urges, just…nothing.

"Uh...Reborn?" Tsuna asked his mentor.

"Huh, that's never happened before" Reborn said casually, inspecting his gun.

* * *

The goons had closed the distance between themselves and Tsuna. In one move they threw him up against the wall, fist outstretched, ready to pummel his skull inwards.

"Eek! Reborn do something!" Tsuna yelled, frightened to the core that he no longer had the power to defend himself or others.

"Maybe it's the kippers I fed Leon for lunch, maybe salt effected the Dying Will Bullet" Reborn contemplated casually, not really caring Tsuna was about to get the beat down of his life.

"REBORN!" Tsuna yelled.

"Say goodnight punk!" the leader grinned as he readied as punch.

"Wait!" another yelled, intercepting it midway

Tsuna opened his eyes to see that one of the goons had actually stopped the alpha-male from punching him. He wasn't sure whether he was more scared or confused by the outcome.

"What the hell did you do that for?" the leader asked.

"Think about it, we've got no quarrel with this kid, I mean…what has he done to us?" he asked.

"Yeah, Mishiro's got a point, let's leave him be" another agreed.

"…Okay, fair point" the leader acknowledged as he let go of him.

Tsuna stumbled forward slightly, still not quite sure what just happened. Things proceeded to get weirder when the goons actually started brushing him off, even sorting out his collar for him. Tsuna started in disbelief as the goons re-tied one of his shoes, picked up some loose change he had dropped and even fluffed his hair back into shape.

"Have a pleasant day" one of them said.

"Now, let's beat the shit out of this guy again" another added, turning their attention back to Yamamoto, who was still being held down by the remaining goons.

"Wait!" Tsuna yelled, gaining the attention of all of the goons.

"Don't hurt him anymore!" Tsuna yelled out…albeit rather pathetically.

"Give us a reason why we shouldn't" another of the goons spat out.

Because of the day he had had, because of pain and embarrassment that had flooded through his body over the hours, Tsuna's response became the first thing that came into his head.

"Because…he's my friend?" Tsuan asked.

Yes, this was really a low point for him. Whenever in the entire history of creation had being Sawada Tsunayoshi's friend ever helped in a way shape or form?

"Good enough for me" one of the goons said, dropping Yamamoto to the floor.

Today, apparently.

"W-What?" Tsuna blurted out, in solid disbelief.

"Same here" another spoke out

"Yeah, let's go get pizza" another added.

"I call pepperoni!" a third added.

Tsuna was unsure that he was still in the same reality anymore, because in normal circumstances he should have had the stuffing kicked out of him by now, but instead the rival baseball team had stopped their relentless assault on Yamamoto and were now heading for the nearest pizza place.

After taking a few seconds to let it sink in, Tsuna ran up to his beaten friend, whop was massaging his swollen eye.

"Yamamoto! Are you okay?" Tsuna asked realising that, yet again, it was a stupid question

"Oh yeah, I'm fine! Just got tossed around a little" the Rain Guardian grinned, wobbling slightly as he stood up, Tsuna had to grab his arm just to steady him.

"We need to take you to the hospital, can you walk?" Tsuna asked.

"I don't worry, my dad's got some good herbal remedies that'll fix me right up - hospitals are considered evil in our family" Yamamoto grinned through his bleeding mouth.

"…What? You know what, never mind, you need medical treatment" Tsuna insisted.

"He'll be fine Tsuna, he's been through worse" Reborn interjected, hoping down from off the fence.

"Yeah, compared to Squalo those guys were like cotton candy"

"But he care barely walk!" Tsuna insisted.

"It'll be good training for him, now come on, Mama is cooking stew tonight and if we miss first helpings, you'll get a bullet in the brain" Reborn threatened as he began to walk home.

"But Reborn-" Tsuna insisted, but was cut off when Yamamoto placed a friendly hand over his shoulder.

"It's okay Tsuna, I was getting out of shape anyway! My house isn't that far away, I'll be fine" the Rain Guardian insisted.

Tsuna hesitated for a moment, but decided the threat of Lambo getting his serving of stew was a threat in itself, one that he couldn't ignore.

"O-Okay then, just be careful!" Tsuna yelled back as he ran around the corner.

Yamamoto tried to shake away some of the dizziness before beginning to slowly make his way back towards his house. When he had past the first corner, he looked up to the sky, as if remembering something trivial, something his curiosity had just picked out of thin air.

"Huh, that's weird, I never realised how pretty Tsuna's eyes were"

* * *

Meal time in the Sawada house was like a stampede, God only knows how Nana managed to live like this, because any other mother would have had a heart attack years ago.

Tsuna devoured the stew, being humiliated and seeing his friend beaten really gave him an appetite. He had stolen a mall pot fill, and was dying to have seconds, when he realised that the greedy cow that was his Thunder Guardian had stolen the last of it.

"Lambo! That was my serving!" Tsuna yelled out, his stomach growling out in protest.

"Hahahahaha! Lambo wins again!" the cow declared.

"At least share it with me! I'm starving over here!" Tsuna snapped.

Lambo's only response was to stick his tongue out at the Vongola heir, making sure to show him that he had eaten every scrap of food. His expression suddenly changed from one of delight to disgust when he was hit head on with a pie filled with poison cooking.

Tsuna looked over to see Bianchi, who was currently swapping her plate with his. Lambo was gasping for air as he suffocated on whatever Bianchi had put into her food, while Tsuna just looked in puzzlement. She sent him a warm smile as she stole a bread roll for herself.

"Here, I'm not hungry anyway, you need all the food you can eat" she replied.

"Um…okay, thanks a lot Bianchi" Tsuna replied, silently shocked she was being so nice to him, normally she didn't hesitate to see he suffer in some kind of way.

He then realized her hand was on his, and was gently stroking it.

That's when Tsuna really started to get freaked out.

He downed the rest of his soup like a tornado, before kindly asking to the leave the table. He didn't even wait for his mother to even speak before bolting upstairs to his room.

But not before he caught Bianchi sending him a wink.

* * *

"What the hell is going on today!" Tsuna thought aloud, pacing around his room while Reborn read his "Stealthy Guns Monthly" magazine.

"This is insane! The Dying Will Bullet doesn't work, a bunch of bullies are polite to me, and Bianchi starts acting friendly…in a really creepy kind of way!" Tsuna yelled out, trying to figure out what in the world was going on.

Reborn pulled out Leon, who promptly changed in it's familiar gun form, he then began to search through the bullets he loaded into it, when he came across something that caught his attention.

"Oops…" he said aloud.

"Oops? What do you mean oops? Oops implies that you've got something to do with this, oops means that something really bad is going to happen! Please tell you don't have something to do with this!" Tsuna falling to the infant's height.

"Looks like I fired the wrong bullet" Reborn explained.

"Wrong bullet? What bullet did you fire?" Tsuna asked, fearful of the answer.

"Leon was carrying a special experimental bullet that the Ninth had asked me to test out, I was meant to go over to Italy and test it properly…but it turns out I hit you with it instead" Reborn replied, almost causally.

"…What was this special bullet…?" Tsuna asked meekly.

"A hitman sometimes has to rely on his smarts to get out of situations, seduction is only one of the ways that a man or woman can escape danger of sneak into enemy territory. I suggested the idea that we convert the hormonal responses into a bullet that would allow an agent to affect all people around him with that same response"

"…"

"We called it the Infatuation Bullet, and you are the first test subject"

"…"

"I short, I just hit you with the world's strongest aphrodisiac"

Tsuna twitched, something similar to homicidal rage burning in his gut, he looked to Reborn then into his mirror, then back to Reborn, then to the ceiling, until he cried out one word.

"**…WHY!**"


	3. A Little Taste of Hell

Everybody Loves Tsuna 

A Little Taste of Hell 

Tsuna didn't talk to Reborn for the entire time he was off school, he instead focused on other, more productive things.

Like slamming his head against a nearby wall, or avoiding Bianchi, who over the last few days had slowly started to really scare him. Offering to iron all of his clothes was fine, taking strands of hair she found on them was not. Stating that he was developing a deadly virus on the corners of his mouth was fine, biting his lower lip and kissing his cheeks was not.

Sneaking into his bed one night, biting his chest to the point where in turned purple and giving a frontal massage was DEFINITLEY not okay.

Tsuna had resorted to sleeping in his closet, and even then she was waiting every morning in the kitchen, blowing him kisses and touching his knee during every meal time together.

He would never had believed it, but he was thankful when he could go back to school. He got up especially early, and even early morning dreariness could not rid him of the fact that he was a walking aphrodisiac, and every woman he surrounded himself with was going to act like Bianchi.

When he finally released that Kyoko was of the same gender as Binachi, he got dressed and was out of the house faster than you could say "what did I do to deserve this".

* * *

His stomach growled as he walked to school, he rubbed his arms as the bitter Friday air cut into him. It was colder than Monday, and with the prospect of Bianchi waiting on the kitchen table with a poison pie in one hand and a glass of vodka in the other, he decided to skip breakfast.

"As if life wasn't tough enough as it is…" he thought aloud.

He realised that he hadn't actually discussed with Reborn in detail what the bullet could do, and in all honesty he preferred if it remained a mystery. Like all of the Vongola weapons, he reckoned it would take a day for things to return to normal, then he could go back to feeling miserable about the flaws with his regular life.

If he had known the truth, then he would have probably booked the first flight to Kenya and left within the hour.

Hunger and cold getting the better of him, Tsuna decided that he would take the quicker way to school which meant cutting a few corners and going past the shops, where maybe he could spent the money he would have lost yesterday that those bullies had kindly gathered for him.

He still couldn't quite get his head around that bit.

"Well, at least I'll have a quiet moment to myself, and not have to put up with any nonsense from-" his train of thought-to-speak was broken when he ended being sent into a nearby box of vegetables.

"Sprinting to the EXTREME!" Sasagawa yelled out.

He then looked to see the Vongola heir covered head to toe in the broken shards of peppers. He immediately stopped his chant and began to pick Tsuna up, making sure to brush off any peppers that were coated over his body.

"You okay Sawada? That was a nasty fall" Sasagawa asked.

"_Don't look into his eyes, if you do, then you'll end up bench-pressing your way to school" _Tsuna's brain told him, he rapidly threw aside what remained of what could have been someone's Mexican dinner and decided to run the rest of the way to school.

"Sorry Sasagawa! I've got a…English test first thing, so I'm going to have to run-"

When he mentioned the word "run", Sasagawa was already at his side spiriting the exact same speed with no sign of difficulty whatsoever. He seemed overly happy today, yet much calmer than his usual exercise-obsessed self.

"Cool! Do you mind if we run together? I'll go slow if you want"

Tsuna stopped dead in his tracks, if he had caught one of those peppers in his mouth now would be the time where he spat it out in sheer shock. Sasagawa? Slow? Did those words even fit together? Wasn't there some divine will that Sasagawa and slow should never even enter this frame of reality?

"I don't mind walking, I've already done fifty laps, if your tired then I'm happy to take it easy"

Tsuna spat an imaginary pepper out of his mouth.

The walk was…uncomfortable. Tsuna wasn't used to seeing this side of Sasagawa, he was looking around at all the shops and hadn't mentioned the word extreme for twenty minutes. Tsuna kept pressing his palm to his own forehead, making sure that he wasn't coming down with something, because this was just scary.

"Sorry to hear about Monday, Kyoko doesn't mind about the whole incidence" the boxer explained.

"G-Glad to hear it…hey Sasagawa-san, why aren't you…you know" Tsuna asked awkwardly.

"What? Not going overboard?" he asked seriously.

"Y-Yeah"

"Hmm…I wanted to admire things form the slow side for once" he said.

They remained in silence until they reached the school, Tsuna entered the building hastily while Sasagawa went towards the boxing club, preparing himself for his fight. Before he entered, he took a pepper form out of his pocket and began to eat it.

* * *

When the first class of the day had finally started, Tsuna had finally gotten over the fact that Sasagawa was acting like…the anti-Sasagawa, and tried to focus on some kind of work. He began to scribble down random phrases that his teacher began to write down on the board, when he suddenly felt something prodding his leg.

He turned to see the Namimori's star cheerleader, Yuki Ayakushi, passing him a note. He looked around the room, looking for someone she had meant to give it to, but after three more prods he realized that it was for him. He hesitantly took from her hand and unravelled the paper.

She giggled when Tsuna's face lit up like a Christmas tree, he immediately stuffed the note under his desk and tried to focus on anything except the girl next to him. This was the girl who had made an entire chant that insulted him when he had accidentally ended up as a reserve for the Namimori football game, and unfortunately cost them the game.

He reckoned she pretty much despised him, so when she wrote a note requesting him to…well, it was a real a shock to the system.

Tsuna may have underestimated just how strong that bullet was…

The following two hours were uncomfortable to say the least, as Tsuna had begun to notice that all the girls in his class were staring at him, some giggling and some with faint blushes on their cheeks. Some girls he hadn't even talked to in his life were making silent flirtations with him. He began to flinch every time he heard his name mentioned.

Being him, he had no godly idea how to deal with something like this.

He didn't even hear he bell that signalled break, and only noticed when people began to leave their seats. Only about seven people left the classroom, and all of them were male. He was currently sitting in an empty classroom with twenty plus females, with no teacher to stand in as damage control.

Standing up immediately, he made a break for the door, trying to act as calm and causal as a something who had a porcupine shoved down their trousers.

"Hey Sawada!" one girl, the national swimming champion spoke, out standing between him and the door.

"I'm going to get some extra practise done in the indoor swimming pool, fancy being my life guard?" she asked, flickering her eyelashes.

"Uh…t-that's a nice offer but-"

"Never mind her Sawada, I've got a basketball game in a couple of days, and I need a partner to help build my stamina" another asked, appearing by his side.

"S-S-S-S-S-S-Stamina?" Tsuna choked.

"Ignore the sports freaks, the library is almost always quiet this time of day, you could help me write my conclusion on the intimate nature of feral cats" another asked, grabbing him arm.

"Intimate? C-Cats?" Tsuna spluttered.

"Who wants to work today? We could go to the room and share my lunch, I've got grapes and other fruits, I'll feed you like a Roman Emperor" a fourth insisted, placing her hands on his shoulders.

"I-I-I-I don't know anything about Roman Emperors!" Tsuna begged.

"We could go back to my place and make out" a final one asked, placing herself between all other girls, undoing the first two buttons on the Vongola's shirt.

Blood began to slowly trickle out of Tsuna's nose. He then realised all the remaining girls had trapped him in some kind of circle, each of them getting closer. He was like a caged animal. A caged animal surrounded by over two dozen hormonally supercharged females ready to strip his virginity from him on a moment's notice.

"HELP ME!" Tsuna wailed as he was driven to the floor.

The following few seconds were a blur to Tsuna, he heard screams of joy as he felt his shirt torn open and teeth start nibbling on his neck, as well strong kisses all over his face. There had been a time when he had wondered what it would have felt like to be crushed underneath a tidal wave of physical female affection.

He now knew that it was probably the most frightening thing he would ever experience.

Suddenly he felt something catch his hand and pull him out of the maelstrom of female anatomy. Eventually his body was pulled out, and he could finally make out his sightings, than pressed-up faces and cleavage. His savour turned to be the silver-haired bomber known as Gokudera Hayato.

"G-Gokudera-kun?" Tsuna stammered, one of the girls still clinging onto his belt like a piranha out of water.

"Let's go Tenth!" the Storm Guardian exclaimed.

His grip like a vice, Gokudera pulled Tsuna out of the sexually-active whirlpool and dragged him out of the classroom. Unfortunately, the mass of females left behind without their own plaything weren't going to stand idly by.

"He's stealing my Sawada!" one yelled.

"Take him down!" another cried.

"And drag Sawada back by the rim of his underwear!"

Like a shark that caught a scent of blood, like a hound with the prey in it's sight, like a wolf chasing down it's dinner; the female population of Class B3 burst out like a stampede and began to hunt down their beloved Sawada.

"Hang in there Tenth! We can lose around the next corner!" Gokudera declared.

"Lose who?" Tsuna yelled.

He then made the mistake of turning around, and seeing the growing frenzy of school girls that were rapidly gaining ground. Their faces were demonic, their screams like harpies, nails ready to tear through his clothes and bear his children.

Fangirls.

Now Tsuna knew why Hibari kept his distance.

"We're never going to outrun them!" Tsuna wailed.

"Fear not Tenth! As they haven't block the east corridor we'll be fine!" Gokudera reassured, holding his arm so tight it was starting to go pale.

As they zipped around the final lap of their race for freedom, and virginity, the Storm Guardian stopped in his tracks, and let out several Italian curse words. Twenty girls stood there, arms crossed, forming an impenetrable wall with hockey sticks at their sides. The east corridor was blocked, and blocked by the strongest group of people in Namimori.

The Women's Hockey Team.

"There he is!" the hockey captain howled, the girls' eyes flashed with something resembling a primal lust and began to charge forward like a kamikaze torpedo.

"REVERSE DIRECTION!" Gokudera yelled, and grabbed Tsuna by the shirt, literally dragging him at such high speed he was above ground.

Eventually, the Hockey Team and Class b3 met up, but there was no sign of their precious Sawada anywhere, not even the Italian. They had both vanished, which seemed impossible as it was a singly winding corridor. Almost telepathically, the girls formed an idea and began to divide into groups.

"Split and search! Break into every boy's bathroom you can find!" the leaders ordered.

With a cry that resembled something the Nazis would say, the girls split off, hungry for love and that piece of anatomy that lay in Tsuna's trousers. At this point, they were probably ready to kill people for it. Which was confirmed later on the ten-o'clock news the following evening when the Hockey Team killed a boy who had made a cruel remark about Sawada's social standing.

They were let go on probation, as there was nothing left of the boy to use as evidence, considering he had been pummelled to the point where his existence was forgotten from time.

* * *

"I'm going to die…I am going to die" Tsuna repeated, almost like metronome.

"Relax Tenth, they won't find us in here" Gokudera reassured.

"It's a broom closest!"

"Exactly! It's pure genius! This will be the last place they look"

Tsuna didn't even retort, knowing that they would eventually start ripping up the foundations of the school looking for him. He had thought the effects of the bullet would just make girls act a little frisky around him. Hell, he was slightly hoping Kyoko would like him that much more. Unfortunately, he hadn't counted on the fact that the bullet was going to turn every girl he met into a potential rapist.

"Reborn has finally done it, he's finally going to get me killed! I think I preferred fighting Xanxus" he sobbed.

Things could not get any worse.

"Hey, no worries Tenth! As your right hand man I'll blow all those girls to Kingdom Come if I have to" Gokudera grinned, then his expression changed to a…serious one.

"Tenth…" he said, hesitating with his words.

"Huh? What is it?" Tsuna asked.

His hands were then on his shoulder and he was staring at him in such a way that made him feel very uncomfortable. Gokudera was shaking, as if was going to reveal some great big secret to the world, either that or he really had bad stomach ache.

"We've known each other for a a long time, right?"

"…Right"

"And in that time I've always been your right-hand man, stood beside you when the world turned against you! And you know I would do it a thousand times!"

"…Yeah"

"Well…something's been bugging me lately, I'm not sure what it was…but then this morning it just clicked, my heart was trying to tell me something I had questioned all my life!"

"…Okay"

"Tenth…I…I have to get this off my chest, I can no longer ignore my heart!"

"…Gokudera, you're starting to scare me a little" Tsuna said, backing up as far as he could. Which turned out to be a couple of inches because they were in a very small brook closet.

"Tenth…I have always been proud of being your right-hand man…but now I want to be the right part of your heart!" Gokudera declared, tightening his grip on his shoulders.

"…Okay, Gokudera I think the coast is clear now, so if you'll excuse me I'm going to run out of this closest and-" Tsuna didn't get far because his Storm Guardian refused to move.

"Tenth…I…I…I…I LOVE YOU!" he shouted, really loudly.

Tsuna's blood went ice cold. He felt like dying then and there. He didn't have any preference to Heaven or Hell, because anywhere was better then here, in this small broom closet. He was in a small broom closet, with his friend, his male friend, who had just declared his love for him.

He was in a SMALL broom closest.

…Oh god.


	4. Cutting Down Fangirls

Everybody Loves Tsuna 

Cutting Down Fangirls

The truth? You can't handle the truth!

The movie line perfectly appealed to Tsuna in his current situation. Now don't get the wrong idea, Tsuna had no problem with people having an interest in the same gender, he wasn't that kind of person. What he did have a problem with is that his bomb-happy friend was currently confessing love to him in a broom closest due to the effect of an experimental bullet.

Tsuna's worst fears were confirmed; the Infatuation Bullet affected men as well as women.

"G-G-G-G-G-Gokudera! You have to get a hold yourself!" Tsuan declared out, feeling like a cat that was about to be attacked by a mammoth armed with a gun rack.

"…You're right" the Storm Guardian whispered.

"R-Really?" Tsuna asked, a wave of relief washing over him.

"Yes…I shouldn't have rushed this!" he yelled out, grabbing his own head in shame. Not the reaction that Tsuna was hoping for, as he felt that familiar sense of dread come back with a vengeance

"I…I should have kept my cool and should have displayed my affection in public!" Gokudera cursed, banging his head against the closet wall.

Tsuna promised himself that he would go to the funeral of this broom closet when it was destroyed, because it had managed to keep this hideously embarrassing confession secure within its walls. For that, he was eternally grateful.

"I'm sorry Tenth, but I just had to tell you!" he declared.

"Gokudera, you have to listen to me! You aren't actually in love with me-" he desperately tried to explain.

"I know, it's just a crush that I've acquired form all my long years in service to you! But I promise you that feeling that burns like an Italian pepper hot feast pizza in my stomach stems from a love stronger than even Turf Head's head!" the Storm Guardian ranted.

"…How does that make any sense-"

"Trust me Tenth! I will prove to you that my love is genuine! Ask me to do anything and it shall be done! I shall fetch the hair from your mother's armpit! Sunbath in the Antarctic completely naked! I'll even eat one of my sister's life-threatening cookies!" he promised, no hint of regret.

Tsuna didn't know what was worse, the fact that Gokudera somehow knew about the hair around his mother's body or that he was deadly serious about every word.

He had to get home and speak and Reborn, he probably knew of a way to get out of it. He hoped.

"…Could you let me out of the broom closet?" Tsuna asked meekly.

"Consider it done!" Gokudera declared, letting his boss step through the oak door. Not wasting a moment, Tsuna dashed out in the corridor, eager to put some space between himself and his Storm Guardian.

He didn't get further forward than five steps.

A whole squadron of school girls now stood between him and freedom, each one had an annoyed and lustful look in their eye. They had formed a semi-circle around the broom closet, where they had obviously heard Gokudera's ranting and had created a blockade.

A blockade made of love crazed teenage girls, who would not allow their primitive desires to be ignored.

"We've got you at last, my beautiful play thing!"

"I'm going to smother him in chocolate an whipped cream!"

"I'm going to dress him in a panda and make him eat bamboo!"

"I'm going to serve him a romantic dinner…then tie him to a pillar and take naughty pictures!"

Tsuna's screams of terror were muffled when the wall of female anatomy came crashing down like a hungry swarm of locusts. Locusts that were hungry for love…and whatever part of his body they could grab.

* * *

Tsuna splashed his face with cold water, and winced as he looked in his reflection and tried counting the number of love bites over his face. How they had managed to turn his nose purple and leave lipstick marks on his earlobe remained a mystery.

He had managed to escape through the ring of delusional fangirls through their legs, refusing to dare look up. He had fled to the most obvious place in the school, which should be the last place they'd look according to his knowledge.

In fairness however, his logic had been pretty crappy lately.

The boy's bathroom was deathly quiet, the silence making Tsuna nervous as he tried to get rid of the lipstick marks along his chest that somehow formed themselves into the shape of a butterfly…pinning him to the floor while a ladybird tried to conceive children with him.

He had rubbed enough soap on his torso in that five minutes then he had his entire life previously.

"This is bad, this is really, really bad!" Tsuna muttered. He looked at his pale reflection in the mirror, and tired to formulate a plan of action.

"I'll jump down the fire escape, if I don't break both my ankles I'll hop my home and force Reborn to undo the bullet's effect. After that; everything will be fine!" he thought aloud.

The plan sounded so much better in his head.

"Sounds like you're in a lot of trouble Tsuna" the only child of the Sawada family nearly had a heart attack (another one) when he whipped around to see none other than his Rain Guardian standing in one of the bathroom stalls, with a a very out of character smug look on his face.

"_Oh hell" _Tsuna thought to himself.

"Y-Yamamoto? W-What are you doing here?" he asked. A question so blatantly obvious he felt like slapping himself moments after he had said it.

"Taking a five minute break form baseball practise…and watching you" the tall teenager smiled, his face looking much healthier since his encounter with those rival baseball fanatics.

"…Pardon?" Tsuna stammered, blinking a few times.

"I like watching you clean yourself, there's something pure and serene about watching you wash department store products off of your face, don't you think?" Yamamoto asked, the smile never leaving his face.

"…No Yamamoto, I don't that pure in the slightest…in fact its just down right creepy" Tsuna retorted, taking several long steps back.

"You're right, why beat around the bush? We're alone and should speak out minds" Yamamoto replied, hands in pockets, walking towards him.

"D-Did you even hear what I just said?" Tsuna barked out, back to the door.

This was the second time that Sawada Tsunayoshi had found himself cornered by one of his male friends who seemed to have turned romantic overnight.

He felt twice as terrified.

"Tsuna…you have really pretty eyes, did you know that?" Yamamoto asked, bending down to his height.

"_This is not happening, this is not happening" _Tsuna kept yelling at himself inwardly.

"L-Listen to me Yamamoto! You're under the effect of a bullet! You have to fight this!" the Vongola boss begged, but none of his words seemed to be reaching the baseball enthusiast.

"Oh Tsuna, you and your little metaphors" Yamamoto laughed, patted him on the head and roughing up his hair.

_"Metaphor? What metaphor? When did I ever mention a metephor? When did metaphors enter this one-sided conversation?"_ Tsuna thought as he frantically reached for the door handle.

"I just want you let you know Tsuna…I'm here…if you ever want me" the Rain Guardian whispered, touching his chin with two fingers.

"If you ever want company beyond that of a friend…if you ever want to feel loved…if you ever want someone to-"

Okay Yamamoto I think I hear my psychiatrist calling! Goodbye!" Tsuna practically screamed as he dashed out of the boys bathroom.

Yamamoto stood up fully and smiled.

"He's really pretty when he runs away in pure Hollywood-esque fear"

* * *

Tsuna was running so fast you would have thought that the Grim Reaper was on his tail. Well, technically his own version of death was laying just around the corner. Fear of fangirls, whose gender seemed to bleed over into one another, frightened Tsuna more than the prospect of being shot by rival mafia families.

"Almost to the exit! Almost to the exit! Almost to the-"

Tsuna's voice ceased when he was met by a wall of fangirls, doubled in number since his last encounter three minutes ago., and this time some of then had ropes with them. Some of them had tossed away their uniforms to wear more…revealing clothing, causing Tsuna's blood to rapidly heat up.

He may just have stopped there and stared…if it weren't for the fact that Gokudera was at the head of the crowd.

"Tenth! I think I've figured out a more subtle way to show my affection!" he declared.

Tsuna said nothing, he thought nothing. He simply did what anyone of his background and moral standing would have done in a situation like this.

Run. Run like hell.

And that's just what he did, he turned tail and ran faster than any road runner or coyote could hope to imagine. A resounding cry of disappointment came form the crowd of girls. Quickly followed by a primal howl of immediate sexual intercourse from their chosen prey.

"He's escaping!" one of the fangirls yelled.

"Tie him down and shower him with love!"

"And chocolate syrup!"

"And donuts!"

"And sprinkles!"

"And eatable underwear!"

The crowd lunged after Tsuna like a rabid dog, Gokudera being lost in the waves of hormones and blouses. The Vongola heir dashed around any corner he could find, not caring where it took at him, so long as he didn't reach a dead end, he would run until he found a way out of the cursed building.

Then he ran into a dead end.

"Who built this school!" he wailed, and slowly turned around to see a monster made up of more than twenty pairs of exposed legs and upper assets, each deprived of love to the point where some were actually foaming at the mouth.

Tsuna doubted like he would survive the next five seconds.

Actually, he survived to see the next six. Tsuna heard their cries, but not of pleasure or immense fear from his end of things, but instead of pain from the girls in front of him. Tsuna opened his eyes for a second to see that some of them were on the floor with bruised faces caused by impact of a set of steel tonfa.

Tsuna's knight in shining white armour turned out to be a teenager in a Namimori school uniform. In his hands a pair of tonfa that weren't afraid to beat around fangirls if the situation called upon them. Tsuna had to strain his eyes to make sure he wasn't having another panic-induced hallucination.

The man who had preserved his life as well as virginity was none other than Hibari Kyoya.

"H-H-Hibari-san?" Tsuna gaped.

"Hey!" Gokudera's voice roared, as he worked his way through the crowd of underdressed girls until he was at the front of the would-be army.

"Back away form the Tenth! I have confession of love to announce!" he howled.

"You're all…going to be bitten to death" Hibari responded, weapons in hand.

"You fool! You are but one man! ATTACK!" Gokudera ordered, the legion of Tsuna lovers following close behind.

* * *

"You win this round Hibari! But I shall be back! Just as soon as my arms get lodged back in their sockets!" Gokudera yelled, limping through the sea of unconscious fangirls most of which suffering from concussions.

Hibari snorted and sheathed his weapons, not even battering an eyelid. Tsuna gaped, he had never seen so many women getting tossed around like that before, broken noses or otherwise. Though, he felt it was a bit eccentric when Hibari had started to beat Gokudera with the unconscious bodies of two fangirls.

"Wow…um….thanks Hibari-san! If it weren't for you I would-"

Tsuna was silenced when Hibari stood him up and began to brush off any dust or excess blood that may have been splattered on him. Afterwards he sorted out his collar, made sure his sleeves were parallel and even was kind enough to inspect his nostrils for unwanted hairs.

"Uh…thanks for everything, but I'll just be going home now" Tsuna replied with a half-smile.

Two firm hands landed on his shoulders, that was the first landmark sign. Hibari's smile was a wicked one, one that spoke of dark deeds and nights watching Sex in the City while eating ice cream. He leaned down and whispered a series of precise and sharp words into his ear.

Words that drained all colour from Tsuna's face.

Afterwards, he left Tsuna alone to carry on his duties. Tsuna stood in silence for five minutes before making his way out of school and very slowly making his way across the courtyard. Tsuna could have been mistaken for a walking ghost, the fear evident in his eyes.

Hibari had told him he was going to bite him to death…in the literal sense.


	5. Lust Isn't As Fun As It Sounds

Everybody Loves Tsuna 

Lust Isn't as Fun As It Sounds…

Reborn hadn't even finished his second coffee of the day when Tsuna came barging through the door, out of breath and as pale as a sheet. He looked at Reborn, but no words came out of his mouth, and only showed a look of pure desperation that was swirling in the place that once was his soul.

"…Did you get any milk on the way back, because the coffee has been awfully bland lately" Reborn ask, throwing a deaf ear to Tsuna's obvious despair.

It took Tsuna a few moments to regain some form of composure, and even longer before he had the will power to stare his tutor directly in the face, and scream out the words he never thought he would say in his life.

"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME GUYS WOULD BE AFFECTED BY THE BULLET!" he howled, nearly breaking all the glass in the house.

"You didn't ask" Reborn replied, sipping what remained of his coffee out of the shattered mug.

"You said only girls would be affected! Not everyone!" Tsuna raged, falling onto his hands and giving Reborn the most powerful death glare he could muster. It failed. Miserably.

"If you remember correctly, I simply stated that you would attract people around you, I never specified it was limited to one gender" Reborn replied calmly.

"But-!" Tsuna spluttered, but was cut off.

"You were the one who left in such a hissy fit that you never gave me time to explain the details of the bullet, if you weren't acting like the world had suddenly went to the dogs then maybe I could have given you some warning" Reborn replied.

"NO AMOUNT OF WARNING COULD HAVE PREPARED ME FOR TODAY!" Tsuna wailed, slamming his head to floor, moaning in sheer despair.

Reborn gave him a few seconds to sulk, and when he showed no sign of stopping he took out Leon, who had conveniently turned itself into a spiked mace. The Vongola's head went through the floor, and ended up looking right into the kitchen.

Where Bianchi was cooking, but whose attention was immediately drawn to him.

"Uh…Reborn?" Tusna called out.

"Tsu-kun, so glad you could join me" she grinned, licking her lips.

"_Did she just call me Tsu-kun?"_ Tsuna thought to himself.

"I was just preparing dinner, Nana has been working to hard this week - so I decided to give her the day off and send her and the rest of the little headaches away to Ireland for a week" she grinned, stirring something in a pot they resembled a dead weasel mixed with venom found in a tarantula.

"Reborn…" Tsuna repeated, a little louder.

"I was thinking that maybe for tonight, you and I could have dinner alone and get to know each other better…a lot better" she smiled, walking away from the stove and in his direction.

"Reborn, I really need you to lift my head up now!" Tsuna yelled out.

"You promise to stop acting like a child long enough for me to explain the nature of the bullet?" Reborn asked, leaning on Leon's spiked form, not really caring that Tsuna's head was about to be smothered.

"Or if you prefer…" Bianchi smirked, standing on a chair so her face was completely level with Tsuna's, who was now desperately rocking his head back and forth to try and break free.

"Reborn!" Tsuna yelled out.

"I'm still waiting on an answer" The Arcobaleno replied, now playing miniature golf with a transformed Leon-Golf-Club.

"…we could skip right to the festivities" Bianchi concluded, reaching and grasping his face in her hand, shutting her eyes and moving her face closer to his. Very uncomfortably close.

"OKAY! I PROMISE TO LISTEN! HELP ME!" Tsuna wailed, and was consequently pulled out of the ceiling just in time before Bianchi's lips claimed his own.

* * *

Spluttering and pleased that his mouth was still his own, he frantically threw the chippings of floor out of his hair and peered back into the hole where his head had once been stuck. He had hoped that Bianchi had been put off, showing that her advances were meaningless as he certainly didn't feel anything of that sort towards her.

She was inhaling the scent of a stray strand of his hair that she had snatched. She caught him looking at her, she then proceeded to put on an apron and began to continue her cooking, swinging her hips from side to side.

This was after she had taken off her tank-top and started stirring the poisonous stew in nothing more than her cotton white bra.

Tsuna immediately veered his eyes away, blood nearly shooting out of his nose like a fire hydrant. Reborn was not impressed by this and delivered another blow with a golf-club Leon to snap him back to attention.

"Now, if you'll keep still for a moment, I'll explain what I can about the bullet"

Tsuna nodded for him to proceed, massaging his now swelling black eye.

"The bullet was one of many developed for the Vongola agents who needed to sneak into an enemy base without infiltration and even in broad daylight. The Infatuation Bullet was created for the purpose of being able to persuade and even seduce all enemies around the single agent"

"I know that much" Tsuna interrupted.

"Do you want me to shoot you in the kneecap, with a REAL bullet this time?" Reborn asked.

Tsuna immediately shut his mouth.

"As I was saying, the Vongola agents noted a few problems down in their report with the bullet. The first was that the bullet's field of control got weaker the further away they were from other individuals, expanding to nearly 36 miles in every direction"

"36 MILES!"

Tsuna wailed as a Leon-Hammer came crashing down on his foot, causing him to fall through the hole once again. Unfortunately, this time it was his backside, and was as helpless as a turtle. Tsuna began to flail his arms around, but there was no point - this time he was properly stuck.

"After further tests, the bullet's properties were much more complicated than first believed. It turned out that other factors came into place, factors that affected how strong a hold the bullet took over the individuals around them" Reborn explained.

Tsuna was half-listening, but was currently preoccupied because felt something that felt like a woman's hand grace their fingers along his backside…

"After severe testing, they came back with six theories regarding the bullet's attributes and it's effects on people, these were considered concrete due to the overwhelming evidence, some of which resulted in the deaths of many agents…mainly due to crushed pelvises"

Tsuna would have practically ranted about that key fact, if it weren't for the fact that Biacnhi's hand was now tracing the rim of his boxer shorts.

**"Fact 1: Distance does affect the bullet's properties, to the general population you would still be No-Good Tsuna, and wouldn't' show immediate changes unless they got an arms distance away from you"**

Bianchi must have been standing on a chair, because she was currently making circular patterns on his lower back, her ice-cold lips leaving pecks on his spine which caused Tsuna to squeak in fear with every brush.

**"Fact 2: This rule can be broken on the condition that people you spend numerous time with are present within that 36 mile radius, in which case they will be affected to the fullest degree, which ranges depending on their own personalities."**

She was tugging on his belt, forcing the hole even bigger, Tsuna was now scrambling like a rat through into a well, racking his nails across the floorboards, desperately trying to stay afloat. He could hear her laugh from below, and for some reason it filled Tsuna with a sense of dread he had never experienced before.

**"Fact 3: Gender seems to play very little part in it, though after some intense research it appeared that the affected craved the bullet-holder in such a way that they were not aware they may have been pursuing a person of possibly the same sex. This concludes that in their minds, the bullet-holder is on completely a different level of thought and desire"**

One arm was reaching up his back, and leaving deep indents in his back. Tsuna was now frantically calling to Reborn to help him, but the Arcobaleno didn't seem to listen…or didn't seem to care. One nail managed to draw a slight amount of blood of Tsuna's back, where he felt her tongue slowly wash over the spot.

**"Fact 4: There have been some extreme cases where people who previously knew the bullet holder, who were within a breaths distance from them, and were completely unaffected. On the contrast, some became as rabid as dogs and lost all of their humanity, reverting to a primal stage. In one case, people who were located hundreds of miles away became infatuated and showed the same signs of those who had shared a previous contact with the bullet holder"**

Yep, that was her hand on his backside, even through his jeans he could feel her icy touch.

**"Fact 5: Those with strong will power, such as myself, people under and above a certain age as well as members of your family will remain unaffected for the duration of the bullet's hold over you"**

Tsuna was certain, she was definitely leaving love bites up his back, the mixture of teeth upon his skin and hands rubbing themselves around his stomach left him silently screaming.

**"Fact 6: It appears that the effects don't wear off. Ever" **Reborn concluded.

**"…WHAT!"** Tsuna, managing with a might push to escape Biacnhi's grasp and ended up falling flat on his face.

"Sorry kiddo, those are the facts" Reborn shrugged.

"Are you saying that this…curse, could last forever?" Tsuna wailed.

"300 agents were tested, they had to be moved to distant countries just to escape the mob of men and women desperate to bare their children, eventually some became monks, other went to an undersea base…and others simply enjoyed it" Reborn sighed.

"…My life is over" Tsuna cried, falling flat on his back.

"Give it a week, see how you cope, in the meantime I'll try and follow some leads for a miracle cure" Reborn explained, petting Leon whimsically.

"What do I do in the meantime? I've got half of Namimori after me, plus my Guardians won't stop chasing me! How am I supposed to - AHH!" Tsuan screamed as he fell right through the hole and into the arms of the waiting Bianchi.

Reborn considered helping him out of the loving grasp of the nicely-built Italian assassin, then decided he would let Tsuna try and deal with it, and from the way he kept screaming at her to keep what remained of her clothes on, he wasn't having the best of starts.

"Maybe it's time I gave him the birds and the bees talk…" Reborn thought to himself.


	6. Of Stalkers and Sleepless Nights

Everybody Loves Tsuna

Of Stalkers and Sleepless Nights 

"I am going to die…" Tsuna spoke out meekly, looking out a window that remained his only shield from the wolves of the outside world, ready to tear him down, devour his heart and smother him in chocolate syrup while feeding him marshmallows from their fingers.

"Stop being such a pessimist, all you have to do is avoid any human contact within a few miles and you should remain in one piece with your virginity still in tact" Reborn comforted…in the worst way possible.

Tsuna gulped, he had resorted to barring his door with fifty kinds of locks and was investing in security cameras and alarms. It turned out Bianchi was getting smart, and had managed to slip him a super strong sleeping pill a few nights prior.

He had woken up the next morning, smothered in something that resembled blue berry pie, and had so many bite marks on his body you would have thought he had dived into a tank filled with a hundred piranha. He had been stripped naked and had his entire pelvis decorated with poison ivy dripped in chocolate. Bianchi was lying next to him, and had just finished tattooing what appeared to be a gothic painting onto his chest.

Tsuna fainted on the spot and was now seeing a therapist as well as a lawyer.

The good news, the tattoo was removed, bad news, he now had a scar that looked like someone had plunged a knife made of lava through his body. Seriously, he didn't get this wounded even when up against Xanxus.

"Who knows, it might even be good for you, a mafia boss has to be able to handle situations no matter how hopeless they look" Reborn advised.

Tsuna had already started smashing his head against the window, a new habit he had taken up. Reborn grabbed his collar and threw him onto the floor with an almighty thud, breaking Tsuna out of his miserable state.

"Look, I'll make a few calls, pull a few strings, snap a few kidneys, and try and find a cure. All you have to do is not mess anything up too badly if you ever want see a life beyond that of people's underwear" Reborn instructed.

"You…you really think I can make it?" Tsuna asked, in his most pitiful state.

"Yes, as the Vongola Tenth you have to set an example for others to follow. They will tell of this throughout out the Vongola bloodline for years to come. Of how you single handily overcame an impossible army of lovesick psychopaths" Reborn spoke out, trying to sound inspiring.

"…Reborn"

"What?"

"Why did you start playing 'Eye of the Tiger' in the background…" Tsuna asked in a disgruntled voice.

"I thought it was appropriate"

"…You have no faith in me at all, do you?"

"None whatsoever"

* * *

Getting out the door was one thing, getting to school while avoiding all human contact was a completely different trick. A trick that required precise timing, evasion and skill in order to stealthy brave the early morning streets.

"SAWADA!"

Unfortunately, it wasn't a skill that Tsuna was good at. Go figure.

Sasagawa was running like a shark drawn to fresh blood, the road practically ripping apart as he made his way to Tsuna. What made things worse is that he had discarded his usual yellow sports jacket for something much more…loose.

He was wearing a skin-tight vest with the words Sawada Tsunayoshi painted on inside a giant pepper…with himself on the outside preparing to take a bite out of it.

Tsuna swore he would throw away every last pepper he would see from onwards.

"Hey Sawada! Let's head to school! TO THE EXTREME!" He roared, grabbing Tsuna by the shoulders and preparing what was likely to be another marathon sprint.

Fearful of his neck snapping off as it nearly had last time, Tsuna panicked.

"W-W-Wait! Sasagawa-san!" he howled, like a new born puppy that was about to get fixed.

"Hmm? What is it? Its it my manly armpits? I haven't washed them in two months" he proclaimed, bot bothered in the slightest.

When the odour hit Tsuna's nose, he swore that he could feel his nose hairs burning inside his nostrils, the stench was strong enough to kill an elephant. He passed out for a few seconds before forcefully regaining consciousness.

"H-Have you ever thought of doing things to the…the…" he mumbled his words.

"The what? To the ABSOLUTE EXTREME!" Sasagawa roared.

"N-NO! To the…LESSER EXTREME!" Tsuna wailed, the stench now getting so strong that he was slowly slipping into cardiac arrest.

"…Lesser extreme?" Sasagawa asked in confusion, finally letting Tsuna free from his hold. The Vongola Tenth fell to the concrete floor, gasping for air.

"Y-Yeah, maybe you should do things a little more light-heartedly, try and show some form of control…any form of control" Tsuna explained, very haphazardly.

"Lesser extreme…lesser extreme…lesser extreme…" Sasagawa repeated, like a metronome.

"Um…are you okay Sasagawa-san?" Tsuna asked.

"Lesser extreme…oh I get it!" Sasagawa proclaimed.

"You do?" Tsuna asked, a slight bit of hope welling up in his chest.

"Of course! The lesser extreme!" Sasagawa repeated, elbowing Tsuna in his ribs ever so lightly, which was still enough to leave a sold bruise over his already painful chest.

"So…you understand?" Tsuna asked, not actually believing that his panicked expression may have warded off one potential stalker.

"Of course I understand! The lesser extreme is a thing between you and me! I say extreme to every person I meet in the street! But the lesser extreme is something that only you and I share! Something that expresses a deeper form of connection!" Sasagawa proclaimed.

"…That's not what I-"

"Don't worry Sawada! I'll always remember this! I'll you at school, to the EXTREME! No wait…the lesser extreme" Sasagawa whispered, winking and lightly jabbing him on the shoulder. Which was enough to slightly dislodge it.

As he ran off into the misty morning, Tsuna was there left dumbfounded.

"…What the heck just happened?"

* * *

Tsuna really didn't like swimming class, it showed him up as even more of a social loser who couldn't accomplish anything physical.

The only differnece was that, today, he was practically top of the class. He won every race (the other swimmers had pretended to suffer minor injuries), the coach couldn't have provided him with enough praises, and all the girls on the side had to restrained by an electric fence to stop them from diving into the water and start Namimori's first underwater harem.

If anything, it made the day slightly more bearable. Tsuna tried to think he was still in a hopeless situation, however, it seemed that for one day, one hour of one day, the bullet was having a slightly positive effect.

As he finished another lap, Tsuna pushed himself onto the ledge and was greeted with another set of cheers by his peers. Some were even throwing flowers…and swimsuits. They were quickly suspended and taken off the premises.

_"I guess things could be worse"_ Tsuna thought to himself.

"Hey Tsuna! Great lap there!" a familiar voice rang through his ear. Tsuna instantly recognised it as Yamamoto's and breathed a sigh of relief, momentarily forgetting the effects of the bullet.

He turned to where the voice was coming from, and ended up staring directly into a pair of short, black speedos…with his face imprinted on them. The sheer horror of this moment took Tsuna's breath away, and all he could do was look up to see Yamamoto looking down at him, smiling like there wasn't a care in the world.

"Maybe we should race one another! There's nothing like splashing through water and colliding into one another first thing in the morning to get your muscles relaxed for the coming day! What do you say? Fancy tumbling in the water together?" the Rain Guardian asked.

Tsuna feel into the water after blacking out, his head hitting the bottom and rendering him utterly unconscious.

"OH MY GOD! TSUNA IS DROWING!" a random fangirl yelled out.

"TSUNA!" Yamamoto yelled.

He ran around the side of the pool, waited two minutes for other people to stop using the diving board, applied lotion to his front and back so he would be more streamlined…and then dived into the water to save Tsuna.

It took him less than two seconds to sprawl Tsuna on the side of the pool. He got out himself and leaned over him, checking his pulse. He wasn't dead, but he wasn't waking up.

"Tsuna! Don't you dare die on me!" he yelled.

He then brought his fist down on his chest, so hard that it woke Tsuna out of his previous comatose and gasp for breath. He spluttered like a fish, trying to get to grips with his surroundings.

"Oh god…what happened?"

"Breath Tsuna! Breath!" another fist came down, this time on Tsuna's head, which knocked him unconscious again.

Yamamoto, who hadn't noticed he had woke up, continued to beat him senseless, while the rest of the crowd looked on his awe, moved by his compassion and determination.

"Quick! Someone give him the kiss of life!" another fangirl yelled out.

In realisation, Yamamoto grabbed Tsuna's neck and gently leaned him upwards towards his face. Inhaling a deep breath he brought his mouth close to the Vongola's so-far-untouched-mouth.

Tsuna regained consciousness just as Yamamoto was but a breath away from making contact.

He was taken to the hospital later that day for nearly drowning after he had flailed around like a fish to get Yamamoto off of him, and ended up meeting the bottom of the pool again.

* * *

Because he was drifting between consciousness at the hospital, he only vaguely remembered Gokudera coming into visit him, revealing what appeared to be over 100 flowers, 350 get-well cards, and over 1000 chocolates in the shapes of hearts that he insisted on feeding to him.

Security had tried to get him to leave, but that just resulted in half of the west wing exploding in a flurry of flames thanks to Gokudera's explosive attitude…and a crate of dynamite he had brought with him.

Tsuna was checked out the next day, where he had caught sight of Gokudera finally being subdued by the SWAT team that had arrived. Apparently he had been fighting off police since eight in the evening, insisting that no one was to touch the Tenth.

Too exhausted to fight on his behalf, Tsuna stumbled home.

* * *

"You look worse for wear Tsuna" Reborn commented, playing another round of Miniature Leon Golf.

"Please tell me you found that cure.." the Vongola Boss mumbled, before falling onto his bed.

"Nope. But I'm following a lead in Italy, all I need to do is threaten this one family by skinning their dog alive and making their eldest son fornicate in the street, then I should get the information I need"

"That's good…" Tsuna replied, not listening to a word, before falling into a deep sleep.

Coming home had been a welcoming thought for Tsuna, as Bianchi had sent his Mother, I-pin and Lambo on a cruise for an entire month, while she herself was entering a cookery competition in Norway. This would later come to be known as the Poison Cake Massacre.

So there was no chance of anyone entering his room and doing anything that would already impair more stress onto his already fragile mind and body.

At three in the morning, he was proven wrong.

* * *

He was awoken by a faint sensation on his face, like a small breeze. Whatever it was, it became hard to ignore, so Tsuna opened his eyes and ended up looking right into the face of absolute terror.

Hibari was looking over him. Quiet literally he was leaning of his bed and staring directly at him without even blinking, his dark eyes like two piercing jewels in the night that, if they could, would kill you by sheer glance alone.

Tsuna was quiet for a good five minutes, too terrified to even breathe.

"Um…Hibari-san"

"…"

"Why…why are you in my room?"

"…"

"…Could you please…leave?"

"No"

Tsuna didn't say another word for the rest of the night, all he could do was try to pretend he wasn't staring up at death incarnate. It failed miserably.

Only one thing kept him from going past the threshold into insanity, one thing keeping him falling off the edge of a panic attack.

At least things couldn't get any worse.


	7. Things Get A Lot Worse

Everybody Loves Tsuna 

Things Get A Lot Worse 

"So let me guess this straight…you sneaked into his house?"

"Correct"

"You tortured him by removing his kidneys with a spatula, before forcing him to watch as you fed them to his own dog?"

"Yes"

"You then proceeded to kill and carve the dog in such a way it is now a delicacy at a nearby French Restaurant which has now caused a culinary revolution?"

"Yep"

"You then inserted in place of his kidneys a hornet's nest, which had been kicked several times beforehand?"

"Correct-o-mundo"

"…AND YOU STILL DIDN'T FIND A CURE?"

"Nope"

Tsuna's face was now a cherry red, so much so that it shone more brightly than the late afternoon's sun as it dipped into horizon below. Reborn was perched on the windowsill, reading a magazine entitled "How to turn your enemy's genitals into a tasty cabbage sauce". He frankly wasn't bothered by the anger or condition of his protégé.

Tsuna was in a sorry state, his arms were bruised up to the shoulders because Sasagawa spent every waking moment reminding him of the "lesser" extreme, which in truth was more painful that his regular extreme. He was now investing in turrets to stop Hibari from making more "nightly visits" to his room. Gokudera had spent most of the day making dynamite that spelled out "TENTH I HEART YOU" in various colors when it exploded. Yamamoto was inviting him to constant practices, usually involving sports which involved close contact.

And don't get him started on Bianchi.

Only last night, when it looked Hibari had found a new favorite pass time, Tsuna was awoken by a warm sensation on his stomach. He had opened his eyes to see his room decorated in roses, petals covering everything from the floor to his body. Which, by the way, was also stripped bare by means not known to man.

Binachi was at the foot of his bed, dressed in white sheets, with a faint blush on her face. A smile that for once looked genuine more than mischievous, a smile that didn't appear to have any hidden agenda other than what was around him. And what was around him was a sight he never could have imagined.

She had then proceeded to lean over him, only a single white sheet separating their two naked bodies. She had kissed his cheeks and his forehead, and began to whisper words that was so frightening that he thought he was going mad.

She had asked for him to be gentle with her.

…Gentle…

She had left forty minutes later, with tears in her eyes, when he had finally gathered the courage to decline. She had stormed out without a word. That night was the most uncomfortable night since the whole escapade had begun. It was pure insanity, driving him over the edge.

It was insanity because he felt bad, he felt ashamed of declining her.

The roses had gone by the morning, and they had spent the rest of the day in awkward silence.

"_I must be losing my grip on my reality…for a second I actually considered…no, I can't think like that! It's all fake! All of it is fake!" _He thought to himself.

"Sorry Tsuna, but the lead let to a dead end, I'll have follow up some new sources to try and find this miracle cure, though I doubt it exists" his tutor asked not averting his eyes form his magazines.

"DON'T SAY THAT!" Tsuna barked out.

"Would it really be so bad? Having people that love you? Having everyone love you?" Reborn asked.

"But it isn't love! It's some rabid infatuation! That's not love!" Tsuna snapped back.

"True, but maybe amidst this chaos of potential law charges and breakthrough in sateen sheet sales, you could find the few lucky women that love you" Reborn asked.

"…You said women" Tsuna asked, slightly confused.

A dark and desolate silence covered both teacher and student.

"…Oh god, you're gay aren't you" Reborn sighed.

"WHAT? I AM NOT!" Tsuna yelled back.

"Good, because that would have required a whole other talk, plus a twenty inch blade coated in the flames of a blowtorch" he sighed in relief.

"…Why would you need that?"

"Every mafia boss is required to bare strong children to carry on their legacy, for that you need a strong woman, if you're thinking of crossing to the _other _side of the street then the law requires me to castrate you here and now" Reborn explained.

"…I am defiantly straight" Tsuna responded, face on white in fear at the seriousness of the boy's tone.

"Good to know, why were you confused anyway?" he asked, raising an eye form his reading material.

"It's just…I didn't think you would look into this whole scenario that deeply. I didn't think you cared if I was attacked by men or women, after all this is just another of your crazy mistakes at my expense…right?"

"…Of course"

"You have no ulterior motives?"

"None at all?"

"I don't believe-"

"You and Binachi seem to be getting rather close" Reborn interrupted, causing Tsuna to break out in a fierce blush.

"It's nothing like that!" Tsuna yelled out in defense.

"I don't know, I saw the way you looked at her when she lathered you custard pie and started to eat it" Reborn debated.

"She tied to me to the bed, stuffed my mouth with strawberries and nearly suffocated it me with those pies! Plus they were filled with mice! MICE!" Tsuna yelled back.

"How about the time when she came into your school just to give you a box of chocolates?" Reborn continued, not seeming to care about Tsuna's growing hysteria.

"She hid herself in the box, then burst out covered head to toe in chocolate, completely naked!" Tsuna snapped back.

"The time where she offered to give you a pedicure?"

"Chained my feet to the ground, and soaked them in treacle! Treacle that turned out to be flammable!"

"Two days ago, when she made you that extra special Sunday roast?"

"She knocked me out and turned me into the roast! I still keep cauliflower in my ears and…other areas"

"That time Gokudera came around, the two got into a huge fight which somehow ended up with you suspended from the ceiling while they got into a mud-wrestle, and concluded with you dressed in a Victorian dress while Bianchi pretended to be a royal guard and attempted to take your virginity?"

"THAT'S IT! I'M LEAVING!" Tsuna yelled, grabbing his jacket and stormed out of the room.

As soon as Reborn heard him shut the front door, a small smile crept onto his face. He stroked Leon over the head and marveled at the genius that was him, even Verde would be jealous of the situation he had created.

"I hope that boy has an extra set of boots, because he's going to up to his neck in genitalia" he chuckled.

* * *

"Stupid Reborn, doesn't he even care that I could end up dead in the next few days if this progresses any further!" Tsuna though aloud, stuffing his hands in the pockets of his orange jacket.

All his attention and energy was being spent of keeping his lust-filled stalkers at bay, so it was a good thing that his teacher didn't seem to care that he was skipping school or not bothering to keep up with his studies. He then realized he wasn't so fortunate when she tried to have sex with him on a desk…during the start of first period.

If it hadn't been for Gokudera beating her off with two other girls…he didn't want to imagine the consequences.

"Maybe I'll go to some remote island and live the rest of my life like Tom Hanks" he thought to himself, running a hand through his long brown hair, sighing as he did.

Somewhere far away, a recipient of the infatuation bullet lost control of their bladder at the very motion.

Despite wishing he was in Castaway, Tsuna realized that he would have to face the problem himself head-on. If he fled to another city, everyone within another 36 miles would still be affected. He didn't like the idea of hundreds of French, British or Portuguese citizens raving after him, with questionable intentions.

He was so caught up in his head, that he didn't notice the figure coming around the corner, and consequently bumped into them.

"Gah! I'm sorry! I wasn't looking where-"

He cut himself off when he noticed that the person in front of him was none other than the flaming angel of his desires. His heartbeat increased tenfold when he saw that in front him was none other than Kyoko Sasagawa.

"K-K-Kyoko-chan?" Tsuna gaped.

She looked at him with those sweet eyes. It slowly begun to dawn of Tsuna that he was a breath's distance from him. Was this it? Was the infatuation bullet going to be of some actual good? Was he finally going to able to embrace the girl of his dreams while she wanted to ravage him to the point of his pelvis breaking.

"_This is it…" _Tsuna thought to himself.

"Huh? Oh Tsuna-kun, I didn't see you there. By the way, have you seen my big brother, he was supposed to come home earlier, but all he seems to be doing is buying peppers and running by your house" Kyoko asked sweetly.

…Wait what?

"Uh…Kyoko, you feel alright?" Tsuna asked.

"Me? I'm perfectly fine. I'm more worried about big brother though, he seems to be acting a little strange lately. Oh well, I'd better be going, see you later Tsuna-kun!" she smiled before walking off down the street.

Tsuna didn't even say goodbye. He just stood there. Flabbergasted.

Kyoko…wasn't…affected…by the bullet…

"…"

Tsuna normally wasnted one for cursing, after all it was ill advised and he liked to think of himself as a nice person. Even in battle, he had never disrespected an enemy before, even Xanxas, and god knows he deserved a verbal beat down.

But now?

**"BLOODY SHITCAKES!"** He howled into the late afternoon.

Things could not get any worse than this.

"TENTH!"

"TSUNA!"

"SAWADA!"

Tsuna turned around to see three of his Guardians ripping up the pavement, heading towards him at lightning fast speed. Tsuna mentally slapped himself.

Things had just got worse.

"Hold on Tenth! Whatever caused you to spit such insults shall be punished by your eternally loyal right-hand man!" Gokudera yelled out.

"Sawada! Lets go for a run together! To the extreme! Oh wait, the lesser extreme!" Sasagawa yelled out.

"I'm not wearing any underwear Tsuna!" Yamamoto yelled out.

Tsuna bolted.

* * *

After ten minutes of hiding in bushes, leaping over fences, and generally putting Solid Snake to shame. Tsuna finally managed to lose his three stalkers. He sighed, plotting how to get home when he was five blocks away and without taking the main road. He looked like he was finally in the clear.

Until he bumped into Hibari.

Tsuna froze. The Head of the Namimori Discipline Committee held an emotionless look, so it was impossible to tell if he was either thinking of what he was going to have for dinner, or if he was planning to make good on his offer and start biting him.

"Uh…Hibari-san"

"…"

"I…I need to get home…so if you could move…"

"Do you have a wheelchair?" he spontaneously asked.

"W-What? Uh…no I don't own a wheelchair" Tsuna replied nervously.

"Really? Oh, well that's a pity"

"Yeah it is…why is it a pity again?"

"So after I spend the night fulfilling ever dark fantasy you ever had, our bodies burning in such a rhythm it would make heaven weep, until we collapse from sheer exhaustion and our bodies are screaming for relief, I'll be able to make my daily rounds while being able to keep a close eye on you. It's painfully obvious you won't be able to walk afterwards" Hibari asked.

The pair were engrossed in a horrible silence for at least five seconds.

Before Tsuna turned around and ran like the Devil himself was on his tail. Now that he thought about it, the Devil was probably less scary than Hibari.

Hibari chuckled as he watched the Vongola Successor ran for his life.

"Ah, so it is to be a chase. My, my, my cub does love to taunt me" he smirked.

Taking in a deep breath, he broke the sound barrier in one fell swoop and began his pursuit of the petrified holder of the Sky Ring.

"After all, it's the thrill of the hunt that makes the kill that much more delicious"

* * *

Tsuna never thought he would say it, but he actually preferred Bianchi drugging him, tattooing various sexual paintings onto his chest, then drenching him in various foods, than to have Hibari catch him right now.

"Have to hide! Have to hide! Have to hide! Have to hide! Have to hide!" He repeated, as if it were a mantra.

He darted up a pathway until he was in the shadow of one of the houses. Maybe he could convince the residents there to let him stay. That is, if they weren't immune to the infatuation bullet, like Kyoko.

**"BLOODY SHITCAKES!"** he suddenly yelled out.

Oh god…had his rage been that great that that curse had been permanently imbedded into his subconscious? He would have spent more time thinking about it, if it weren't for the fact he had suddenly gave away his position.

He heard several footstep approaching. No matter who caught him (preferably not Hibari) he was doomed to be showered in ungodly affection.

Things could not, he repeated mentally, **could not **get any worse than things were now.

"SAWADA TSUNAYOSHI!"

Tsuna turned a full 360 degrees to look at the house he was standing under. Atop the roof were six figures, dressed entirely in black, all of them with a menacing presence. The supposed leader had some sort of ferret's tail around his neck and was severely scarred all over his face. The second hand extremely long grey hair, and a sword attached to his wrist. The third had sunglasses as fell as long green hair fashioned into some sort of Mohawk. The fourth was shorter than the rest, his face obscured by his long blonde hair, he also had some sort crown on his head. The final member even shorter face hidden by a black hood, and was somehow levitating mid-air.

Tsuna had to blink and rub his eyes a few times just to make sure he wasn't hallucinating.

"The…The Varia?" He yelled out in shock.

All the members, save for the floating hood, all gave evil grins.

"We have all travelled from Italy, and tracked you down for one reason only!" the yelled in unison.

Tsuna braced himself, regretting not brining his pills and gloves with him. Still, he was prepared for anything these assassins had planned for him. If it was for revenge, then he's just have to fight with the dying will's affect.

"We have come to Japan…TO STEAL YOUR HEART!" they yelled all at once.

"..."

Scratch that, things had **now** reached their worst.


	8. Dude Looks Like A Lady

Everybody Loves Tsuna 

Dude Looks Like A Lady 

If you asked Tsuna two weesk ago where he thought his life would end up in fourteen days' time, then he guaranteed this would not have even made the list. Sure, Reborn would have somehow caused him to end up in some horrible situation that involved fighting for his life and his clothes ripping apart (seriously, it was costing him a fortune lately to get new clothes). But to have his Guardians chasing after him in a lust-fuelled rage, have the majority of the vox populi already planning what their honeymoon with him would be, and now his mortal enemies suddenly arrive with similar intentions?

He must have been God's personal punching bag, because his life had gone to the dogs. A pack of very hormonally charged borderline rapist dogs that didn't care that in some cases they were the same gender as him. Thought at this point, the women scared him just as much as the men.

But back to the matter at hand, concerning the fact that the most lethal assassin group in all of Italy, who had travelled hundreds of miles to Japan, who had a perfectly justified vendetta against him…had just declared they were going to steal his heart.

"Could…you repeat that?" Tsuna asked, not quite believing what he was hearing.

"Certainly" the leader, Xanxus, agreed as he returned to his previous position.

The last time Tsuna checked, Xanxus pretty much despised him for the fact that he was denied the title of Vongola Tenth. After losing to Tsuna in both status and combat, and being imprisoned by allied Vongola forces, it was understandable that he would be somewhat pissed off. So you can imagine Tsuna's surprise when he appeared in such a flamboyant fashion…and with such a disturbing message.

"We, the Varia, the Shadows of the Vongola, the ultimate assassins, have travelled all the way to Japan to deliver you this message Tsunayoshi Sawada" he began, assuming a dark and intimidating posture.

"That you want to kill me, take my ring and become head of the Vongola?" Tsuna asked. It was very messed up, but Tsuna was actually hoping for that.

"The message we have come to deliver…is that we wish to steal you! Mind, body and soul! Mostly body!" Xanxus declared with fire in his eyes.

Well, it was official. Tsuna's life was now officially Hell.

"_How is this possible? I failed Geography but I'm pretty sure that Italy is further away than 36 miles! Did Reborn lie about the distance? This makes no sense! How can this be happening?"_ he thought to himself.

_**"There have been some extreme cases where people who previously knew the bullet holder, who were within a breaths distance from them, and were completely unaffected. On the contrast, some became as rabid as dogs and lost all of their humanity, reverting to a primal stage. In one case, people who were located hundreds of miles away became infatuated and showed the same signs of those who had shared a previous contact with the bullet holder"**_ Reborn's words echoed in his mind like a choir, a choir of death.

"…Oh hell" Tsuna thought aloud.

"That's right Sawada! Even though less than 24 hours ago I was thinking about various ways to impale you head on a rock, feelings of lust have boiled inside me like a volcano erupting! For some strange reason, the rest of my group feel the same way, but that's irrelevant" Xanxus continued.

"No, I'm pretty sure that's relevant, quite urgently relevant" Tsuna added.

"The fact remains; I have a burning desire to see you, mostly without clothes. I wish to see you standing triumphantly beside me, and by that I mean in my bed, for all of eternity, which of course means unimaginable amounts of soft and gentle lovemaking" Xanxus conclude.

Tsuna opened his mouth, but no words managed to come out, only a silent scream of the horrors that were now playing in his mind.

"Which in itself is a bit of lie, you'd be chained, shaved, covered in marmalade and would be forced to start singing James Blunt as you endured fifteen hour sessions of uncensored, dirty sex" Xanxus added.

It was truly a sad day when the idea of Hibari leaving him in a wheelchair from being romped all night sounded like quite a pleasant alternative by this point.

"Yoohoo! Darling! Your future hubbie is right here! Hi handsome! Ciao! Fancy getting an early dinner and watching a marathon of the Gilmore Girls!" another member yelled.

Tsuna had gathered that Lussaria was on the queer side ever since he had seen him fight Ryohei. His bizarre sense of fashion made him a bit of an oddball, an oddball who was now determined to condemn him to nights of trashy television and naughty things in the dark.

"Shishishishi! He looks petrified; I wonder how red his blood is? I can't wait to find out" the short, blonde member chuckled, is crown shining in the evening sun.

The less said about Belphegor, the better. He was a crazy prince who got exiled from his kingdom, and from his creepy obsession with knives, it was quite clear why. Only now he was here pursuing him, and god knows what the short freak with the tiara found arousing.

"VOOOOOOOI! Shut your mouth Bel! Aint' no fucking way some prince with a knife fetish is going to cut this shrimp down! That's to my job! And I'm only my special sword!" the member with the long grey hair snapped back at Belphegor.

Squalo was an even more psychotic swordsman who wanted to be the best, that was all. He just wanted to be the greatest swordsman in existence. He was a devastatingly strong opponent, and had a strange resemblance to shark in terms of personality. Tsuna didn't even want to think about what kind of "special sword" that he was thinking of using.

"You there! I want you to know that I love you just as much as Lord Xanxus! Well…maybe not as much…maybe a bit less…no wait more! I mean less! Oh the confusion!" the tallest member yelled out in frustration.

Tsuna was surprised that Leviathan had been affected at all by the bullet's power. His loyalty (or was it obsession?) with Xanxus was so strong that in order to shake it, then the bullet must have been far more powerful than Tsuna imagined. That thought alone sent a shiver down his spine.

The final member, Marmon, remained silent.

"All of you shut up! I'm jetlagged and I need a good few hours' sleep before I can have my way with Sawada, now grab and bag him!" Xanxus demanded.

"VOOOOOI! Who says you get to sleep with him first! I want to spend the day getting to know how good or shit his technique is, so I need to know which sword style I need to use later!" Squalo barked back.

"That's a good point, I mean, I had the whole Twilight saga recorded for our trip back, I want to snuggle with my pumpkin and talk about my latest fashion ideas for our uniforms" Lussaria joined in.

"Hey! I'm the boss which means I get to sink my teeth into that juicy bit of meat! You guys get second servings!" Xanxus snapped back.

"VOOOOOOI! Screw that! I'm getting that piece of prime rib! I'm not settling for seconds!" Squalo snorted.

"Shishishishi, as long as I get to carve the turkey, I don't care who takes what body part" Bel chuckled, stroking one of his knives.

"VOOI! And you can just forget about that, your majesty! We can't hurt him too badly, and those wounds have to be given in the heat of passion!" Squalo sharply responded.

"My pumpkin needs to be cared for! He needs a gentle touch with a bit of spice, not a bunch of crazy bloodhounds who don't know anything about the delicate art of seduction" Lussaria added.

"I agree with whatever the boss agrees to!" Levi called out over the arguing.

"Shut up Levi!" all of them yelled simultaneously.

"If you idiots are done acting like a bunch of hyenas, then you may like to know that the Vongola has already made a run for it" Marmon suddenly spoke up.

All heads of the Varia turned to see that Tsuna was no longer standing there, and had instead vanished from sight. There was a brief moment of confusion, before blind hysteria broke among the Varia, followed by more shouting, more arguing and more blaming.

"Find him dammit! I won't let my chew-toy escape me!" Xanxus declared.

"VOOOOOI! My final opponent! I shall cross blades with you soon enough!" Squalo shouted.

"Don't worry sweetheart! Your handsome prince is on his way to save you from whatever evil has kidnapped you!" Lussaria cried out into the sunset.

"Hey! The only prince around here is me! And besides, if he thinks he can get away that easily, it's going to cost him a few extra cuts" Bel sniggered.

Marmon just stared at the group with utter dismay.

"How did I end up getting roped into this group again?"

* * *

Tsuna had managed to get back to his house without incident, though he was pretty sure he saw Hibari beating random bystanders, demanding his location. Tsuna mentally drew a picture of each of their faces and promised to buy them something nice in compensation for losing their teeth as a result Hibari's denied yet destructive sexual desires.

The door was still unlocked, so as he burst inside he fell to the floor with a tumble. Ignoring the pain, he madly locked the door with every lock possible, and then proceeded to nail wood to the door for extra protective. Though against the techniques that the Varia possessed, he doubt it would do much.

He fell flat against the door, trying to conceive what had just happened in the past hour. His Guardians were still very much out to get him, though in much less sinister ways than the Varia, whose ideas of romance would involve either his death or enslavement.

"What am I going to do? With them hunting me down, I'm not going to survive the net three days! Why me?" he cried.

As he moaned about how bleak life had become, a warm scent filled his nostrils. He looked to see steam coming out of the kitchen, which confused the heck out of him. His mother had been shipped off on an around the world tour courtesy of Bianchi, who he hadn't seen since yesterday morning.

If that was the case, who was cooking?

He cautiously moved into the kitchen. He heard the soft tune of someone humming, as well as a truly delicious scent unlike anything his mother had made. As stepped towards the table, he caught sight of a bulky figure in a hairnet, apron and white shirt.

"Um…hello?" Tsuna asked.

His face went a paler shade of white when the cook turned around, wearing orange sunglasses and sprouting green hair. The allure of the beef stew, which still made his stomach cry out in hunger, went instantly stale.

"Darling! You're home!" Lussaria cried in joy.

"H-How did you get in here!" Tsuna bellowed out.

"Hush darling! Dinner is almost ready! I made your favourite! I also bought a very nice red wine to go with it, just be sure not to drink it all, I know how randy you are when you're drunk" Lussaria chuckled.

Tsuna wasn't sure which part of that sentence was worse, but none the less, his grip on reality was starting to rapidly deteriorate.

Dashing out of the kitchen, he sprinted upstairs. He prayed Reborn was still here, at least then he had a chance of making out of if this ordeal in one piece. He burst open his bedroom door, hoping to see the gun wielding infant in his usual place.

"Reborn! You've got to help me! The Varia are-"

Bel threw another knife into the wall. Someone had lazily painted a picture of no one other than himself on the wall, which now had several holes in it thanks to endless barrage of sharp objects being thrown into it. The ripping prince turned around to face the Vongola boss.

"Everytime a knife hits that drawing; I imagine its hitting an actual body part of yours, it makes me go all warm and fuzzy inside"

Tsuna slammed the door and bolted downstairs.

"How the hell did they get into my house before me?" he thought aloud.

Trying to think of a place to hide, he headed for the questionable choice of the downstairs toilet. He flung open the door, to see a sight that would forever haunt him.

"VOOOOOI! Do you mind! Some of us are trying to take a shit here!"

Tsuna slammed the door, trying his best not to gag. The Varia had successful infiltrated his house, not hard to believe considering who they were. Still, that begged the question, what was he going to do now.

"You're out of hot water! I can't have hot and dirty intercourse without a proper shower!" Xanxus bellowed down the stairs.

"I shall fetch you a towel, Master Xanxus!" Levi yelled.

The toilet flushed, and Squalo walked out, doing up his belt again. He sent Tsuna a dirty look before entering the kitchen asking when dinner was going to be ready. As this was happening, he heard the repeated sounds of knives being flung at his wall, and Levi using his mother's hairdryer to dry Xanxus's hair.

It suddenly became too much for Tsuna.

"Dinner's ready! I hope you all like your beef tender, because this is literally dipping off the bone!" Lussaria called out.

"VOOI! What the hell! How come there's no good porn in your DVD collection!" Squalo called out.

"Maybe I should use razor wire, I've heard it's good for giving your partner a sense of completion as you mercilessly ravage them"

Tsuna leapt through the nearest window and sprinted down the street.

* * *

"_So if I catch the nearest flight to America, jump off into the Atlantic, swim to an uninhibited island, live off of the sea turtles and the shellfish, I might manage to survive!"_ Tsuna thought to himself as he ran down the nearest street, unsure of where he was even heading to.

His cheek had been cut by the glass, as had the right hand side of his jacket, as well as a large bruise on his right arm form the impact of breaking the downstairs window and landing in a heap in the garden below.

"Why can't things go my way? Just once?" Tsuna thought aloud.

He had been complaining so much that he didn't even notice that someone was in front of his path until he nearly bumped into them. They were both standing one of the paths that veered off form the main street, and were located in the shadows of neighbouring houses. The sun was still above the horizon, but only barely. This coated the entire pathway in a beautiful orange light.

Tsuna couldn't really take in the slight, considering there was a black-hooded midget levitating in front of him.

Marmon remained deathly silent, while Tsuna didn't really draw in breath. He knew that Marmon was actually an Arcobaleno, much like Reborn, and possessed nearly unrivalled powers in terms of illusions. The two of them simply stood in silence, not making a move until the other did so.

It was almost a peaceful silence, at least until…

"VOOOOI! Where has that sexy little pest gotten to!" Squalo howled.

"Oh this is just a tragedy! Dinner is going to get cold, and the Jeremy Kyle show is just about to start!" Lussaria wailed.

"Dammit! How could you lot lose him! I was this close on deciding which ferret to wear! Find him and bring him back no matter the cost!" Xanxus barked.

The voices of the Varia were getting closer. Tsuna looked between his rapidly decreasing exit, and the figure in front of him. As soon as the Varia turned that corner, he would be apprehended, taken back, and subjected to untold horrors.

"Don't move a muscle" Marmon suddenly spoke out.

Tsuna felt a chill descend upon him, like a sudden cold wind had entered his body. He really didn't have time to dwell on this as a second later the Varia had come around the corner and we relooking him dead in the eye. Tsuna bit back a wail of fear, which ended to be quickly replaced by confusion when their eye line with him broke.

"Dammit! He couldn't have gone far! Split up and search the town!" Xanxus ordered.

Tsuna was stunned, but it did appear that the other members of the Varia didn't notice him. They ran off in separate directions, leaving him alone with the floating infant next to him. Tsuna turned around to face Marmon, now utterly confused more than utterly petrified.

"How did you-"

"Basic illusion, they'll leave you alone for the moment, it should be safe to return to your home, I figure you have some serious redecoration to do, that lot can be complete pigs" Marmon explained.

"Oh…um…thank you" Tsuna replied.

This was so strange, why would Marmon save him? Was he not affected by the bullet like Reborn? If that was the case, why was he still looking out for his wellbeing, surely his loyalty belonged to Xanxus. Tsuna still remained completely bewildered.

"Uh...can I ask you something?" he asked

"What?"

"Um…why did you help me back there?"

"…"

"I mean…you're loyal to the Varia, aren't you?"

"…"

"It just doesn't make a whole lot of sense, after all I was your enemy for a while"

"You have gorgeous eyes"

"It seems kind of strange that…wait, what?"

Instantaneously, a strange purple smoke suddenly began to flow from Marmon. Tsuna leapt back as a result, and watched as the smoke can to swallow the Arcobaleno. Inside the dark smoke, Tsuna could just make out a shadow beginning to form. The shadow began to grow in size, increasing until it was even taller than him. For a moment, Tsuna thought that this was some devastating technique that the illusionist had been saving for him. Maybe his death was his primary concern after all.

That theory went out of the window when the smoke finally began to disperse, and in the place where Marmon was once floating, there was a whole person altogether.

The clothes were roughly the same; they were black in colour and covered every part of the person's body, though unlike the robes of Marmon, these were much tighter around their frame. The large, almost comedic hat that Marmon had worn previously was now a regular hood that blacked out the eyes and forehead of the new figure. What was drastically new was the long purple hair that flailed out along their shoulders and ended on their chest, which had gotten a bit larger, and was unlike any male chest that Tsuna had seen before.

It took exactly 10.7 seconds for Tsuna to notice that the curves along the hips, the style of the hair, the shape of the face, and that size of the endowments of their chest did not actually belong to a male.

"YOU'RE A WOMAN?" Tsuna cried out.

"Wow, you actually figured out, took you long enough" the new Marmon replied, now with an unmistakably female voice.

Tsuna gaped, stuttering his words, unsure of how to react. Considering everything that had happened today, this was the icing on the cake.

"B-B-B-But Reborn said-"

"He never knew, none of them ever knew, I kept my gender a secret from everyone, even the Varia" she replied.

"You're a…a…a…a" Tsuna couldn't wrap his head the fact.

"A lady, a female, a girl, a young woman, a she, I'm all of those things, I would have thought my appearance spoke for itself" she added, putting her hands on her hips.

"You were an infant! You were floating there just a second ago!" Tsuna ranted, hands shaking from the shock.

"Ah, well you see, this was how I looked before I became an Arcobaleno. I used my illusions to craft this body for me, which by the way, takes a lot of work so you had better appreciate it" she snorted.

"A-A-Appreciate it?" Tsuna gaped.

Marmon slowly walked forward, where it became evident that she was just slightly taller than he was. Tsuna was too bewildered to even react as she came within a breath's distance of him, looking down on his lightly, though she had to stretch to do so.

"M-Marmon, what are you-" Tsuna stuttered.

"Call me Viper" she interjected.

"O-Okay…um…why did you…uh…you know" Tsuna fumbled his words, for the millionth time today.

"Why did I take on this appearance?" Viper asked. Tsuna rapidly nodded in response, suddnely becoming aware that he was quite close to an actual woman.

"Other than the fact that my new self is degrading and makes a mockery of my very existence, you can't exactly do things with that body than you can do with this one" she explained.

"T-T-T-T-T-Things?" Tsuna literally mouthed.

"Yes, idiot, things" she repeated.

"W-W-What-"

"What kind of things? Well, things like this"

With one swift movement, her hand lashed out grabbed Tsuna's own hand. He suddenly realised why he/she was called Viper, she had the strongest grip he had ever known. Instead of snapping his wrist like he was expecting her to do, she ended up brining it closer, and pushing it against her chest, squashing it against her left breast.

Tsuna's face lit up like a Christmas tree, and blood began to rapidly pour from his nose. He didn't scream as such, more like make squeaks as his hand unintentionally squeezed the soft flesh through the black clothing. This earned a moan from Viper, through her expression remained the same.

"You can also do things...like this"

With that said, she grabbed the back of his neck and pulled him into a hard, open-mouthed kiss. Tsuna's eyes widened, then went dark as they slowly closed. His body was tightly pulled towards Viper's, her chest pushing hard against his.

The serpent had caught its prey, and now it was time to feast.


	9. That Was One Randy Conference Call

Everybody Loves Tsuna 

That Was One Randy Conference Call

Tsuna had no idea what his first kiss would be like, but you can imagine this wouldn't be what he was expecting. He had hoped (fantasied) that it would be in a large meadow, surrounded by red and white flowers, with just him and Kyoko in the summer sun. The kiss itself would be innocent, short and sweet.

Having a much older woman squeeze his crotch and stick her tongue down his throat in the middle of the street was the furthest thing from that.

Viper was a good name for her, she was biting his flesh every chance she got. Not to mention her tongue was ungodly good and whatever the hell it was doing. Tsuna's mind had been shut off as a result, replaced purely by the pleasure of having someone's hand work their way through his boxers and have his tongue beaten down in a wrestling match with hers.

His partner seemed to be having the time of her life, every time she bit down on his lip or grace parts of his lower body with a hard squeeze, he would inadvertently return the gesture. His right hand had been latched to her chest, pressing down through the fabric. His other hand had fallen to her own rear, gently cupping the flesh of her posterior.

Viper's moans were intoxicating, throwing Tsuna into a haze of pleasure and clothes that were suddenly ten sizes too small.

Suddenly the fog cleared as the two bodies separated. Viper had taken a few steps back and was breathing heavily, wiping the saliva from her face. Tsuna's legs had become liquid, and he couldn't keep his balance for more than a few seconds, and fell onto the small wall next to them.

"Mmm, that was nice…" Viper whispered.

Tsuna's mouth was unable to move, as if she had bent it all out of shape with all of the kissing. Viper gave a wicked smirk and picked him up, wrapping one arm around his waist to steady him. The Vongola felt like he was going to pass out at any moment.

"Was that your first kiss?" she asked.

Tsuna's wordlessly nodded.

"And I stole it from you, makes it even more delicious, hell I would have traded in half my savings for that" she whispered. Her cheeks were flush a bright scarlet, and he clothes suddenly looked awfully tight.

"I…I…" Tsuna spoke out, his words slurring like she had made him drunk with her touch. He felt like he was going faint at any point.

"Don't pass out on me now, we're not done yet" Viper snapped.

Tsuna looked up at her with a mix of shock, fear and sick curiosity. All of his thoughts had been mashed together; he could barely see straight. Suddenly he found his backside on the cold concrete floor, his neck supported by Viper's hand. She sat parallel to him, looking down on him like he was a species on the verge of extinction. Through the shroud, Tsuna could just make out a pair of amethyst eyes.

"I'm going to make you feel such pleasure that you'll forget your own name" she whispered, her finger trailing down from his lips to his pelvis.

"W-Wait!" Tsuna managed to speak out, but was silence when she pushed his head into her chest, her warm flesh consuming his face.

"I'm not the kind of woman who takes no for an answer, so shut up and let me pleasure the fuck out of you" she snapped.

Tsuna would have protested if his breath wasn't snatched away from the feeling of having a woman's chest clamp around his face like a vice. His face was pulled away, just in time to see Viper's face come closer. He shut his eyes, knowing that his hormones were about to be given a feast beyond comprehension.

"_I'm still in a dream…Snake Eater!"_

The electronic voice radiated from Viper's hip, and all of a sudden her face stopped, just before his. Tsuna gave a look of confusion while Viper cursed out loud; she reached into her pocket and pulled out an indigo mobile phone.

"Hold on a second, honey" she said.

Tsuna then found himself perched on Viper's lap while she flipped the lid on her phone and answered the call, irritation written all over her face. Her left arm found its way around his waist. He wasn't going anywhere.

"What is it?" she snapped.

"_Mammon, darling! How are you doing?"_ a familiar queer voice radiated from the phone.

"What the hell do you want Lussaria?" she barked.

"_Ooh, someone's touchy today"_ the queer member of the Varia giggled.

"I'm in the middle of something, so get on with it!" Viper snapped.

"_Jeez, darling! Keep your cloak in a twist! I just wanted you to know…wait a second_" Lussaria's voice suddenly became uncomfortably serious.

"What?"

"…_Did something happen to your voice? You sound almost…womanly"_ he asked.

"Womanly?" Viper asked.

Her hand traced down Tsuna's leg, rubbing the inside of his thigh. Tsuna looked down, face gone completely pale. Viper leaned her head down, so that her dark purple hair was entwined with his.

"I don't know about that, do I sound womanly to you?" she asked. As she talked, her hand went under Tsuna's jacket and began rubbing his chest, the coldness of her hand making him shiver. In-between talking, she laid down pecks and butterfly kisses across his forehead and eyes.

"_Well, your voice its…it doesn't sound like you at all…almost as if you were…"_ Lussaria trailed off.

"A young lady? Why that's preposterous, that would imply that I had womanly features" as she said this, she leaned forward, her more than adequate breast pushing on Tsuna's head like a vice. The Vongola blushed seven shades of scarlet.

"What do you think, handsome? Do I have the incredibly arousing body of a woman?" she asked.

"Uh…I…uh…" Tsuna stammered.

"_Who are you talking to?"_ Lussaria asked.

"A beautiful bounty" Viper answered, grinning maliciously. She then looked down at Tuna's crimson face, and her grin suddenly widened, exposing her pearly white teeth, almost like fangs.

"Say hello" she grinned.

With the speed of a lightning bolt, and the force of a falling elephant, Viper's hand grabbed Tsuna's crotch. Hard.

Tsuna's scream echoed throughout the entire town.

"_What was that? I recognise that high pitch squeal from before, but only from…"_ Lussaria's voice trailed off.

It would have been a tense silence between two former comrades, if it weren't for Tsuna flailing around like a fish on dry land, and crying like a constipated owl. Viper smiled to herself, she was treading thin ice, but that was just the way she liked it.

"…_Viper…"_

"Yes?"

"_Is that the Vongola Tenth your with?" _

"You mean my precious play thing? Oh yeah, he's right here"

"_YOU TRAITOROUS BITCH!" _

Tsuna couldn't really hear much of the conversation; the pain emanating from his crotch was all he could think about. Or at least it was, until Viper grabbed the back of his jacket and threw his head against her lap. Her finger trailed the outline of his lips.

"Lussaria, I'm going to put you on loudspeaker, and the next sound you hear will be the Vongola moaning pleasure from my kiss" she grinned.

"What?" Lussaria practically shrieked.

"W-What?" Tsuna repeated.

Tsuna's head was gently brought up, and in the next second he was thrown back into the same haze as before. Vipers lip devoured his, her tongue running circles around his. As she feasted on her second helping, the sound of Lussaria's digital voice echoed in rage.

"_SHE-DEVIL! Get you hands off of my hubbie!"_ he cried.

"Oh Tsuna…I had no idea you were so good with your tongue"

"_Take you tongue out of his mouth this instant!" _

"Oooh, naughty, naughty, if you want to squeeze them, then all you have to do is ask"

"_Don't touch her darling! She's all illusion, no substance!"_

"Wow…you sure are good with your hands…"

"_Oooh my! Wait, this is no time to get aroused! Stop trying to confuse me!" _

"I'll just undo this zipper and see what you've got waiting for me…"

"_IF YOU FONDLE HIM I WILL CUT OFF YOUR HANDS!" _

"_Hey, Lussaria, what are you yelling about?" _

"_It's awful Squalo! Mammon kidnapped the Vongola and she's having her wicked way with him!_

"_VOOOOI! I'll rip out her– wait, Mammon is she?"_

"_Apparently"_

"_BITCH! I WILL CUT OFF YOR LEGS AND BEAT YOU TO DEATH WITH THEM!" _

"_What's everyone screaming about, shishishishi" _

"_MAMMON IS FONDLING THE VONGOLA!"_

"_What? I'll stab her so many times she – wait, Mammon's a girl?"_

"_Apparently"_

"_I'm going to go Jason Voorhees on your ass, strumpet!" _

"Tsuna…I'm not wearing anything under my jacket, don't tease me like that! Oh wow, I had no idea your teeth were that strong…oh god…I'm naked form the waist up"

"_Put some clothes on you hussie! Stop warping the mind of my future husband!" _

"_I'll cut your eyes out, then your tongue, then your pe…oh wait…nevermind" _

"_VOOOI! I'm warning you! I will hunt you down and take off your goddamn head! That goes for you to sex slave! If you touch her any more I'll-"_

"W-Wait, Tsuna, you want to take me here, right now? You want to make, sweet, sweet love to me on the concrete as the sun sets! You want to whisper raunchy words in my ear while you play dubstep in the background?"

"_YOU HAVE SIGHNED YOUR FUCKING DEATH WARRANT WOMAN!"_

"_Not dubstep! Anything but that! My hubbie loves classical! I was planning to make to make love to him with mozart playing in the background!" _

"_Concrete sex? That sounds rather painful; I like the sound of that" _

"_VOOOI! Shut up Bel! Go masturbate on your knives!"_

"_Already done"_

"_I swear I will…ewww! Get out of here you little prat!" _

"_I swear that boy needs counselling…and I realise how ridiculous that sounded coming from me" _

"Really Tsuna? You want it to be unprotected?"

"_NO! ANYTHING BUT THAT!" _

"You don't care if I fall pregnant?"

"_DAMN RIGHT WE CARE!"_

"Well…I can't say no to you, let me just turn my phone off"

"_WHORE! I SWEAR IF YOU STEAL HIM FROM ME I WILL CUT YOU UP INTO SO MANY PIECES THAT THERE WON'T BE ENOUGH LEFT OF YOU TO FIT INTO A MATCHBOX!" _

"_Oh god I can't take this, maybe if I pretend its m saying those words I'll feel better…oh my yes"_

The phone call ended there, and Viper looked down on a very red faced and puzzled Tsuna. In reality, none of the things she had said had occurred, only Tsuna and the Varia's reactions. She was the Mist after all, her purpose was to deceive.

"Well that was fun" she grinned.

"Y-Yeah…um…this was…interesting…b-but I'm going to go now" Tsuna awkwardly laughed. He slowly picked himself up, brushed himself off and began to slowly step back.

Viper was on him in a flash.

Tsuna met his old nemesis the concrete head on. It was a surprise that he didn't have a concussion yet. Viper had, once again, pinned him down. Her eyes were once again hiding in shadow, but he could feel her stare, and it was painful.

"Did I said I was joking, I fully intend to go through with every word" she whispered, her tongue trailing down his earlobe.

All colour drained from Tsuna's face.

"Hold still, scream or don't scream, it's all up to you. Either way, I'm going to take my time, and make you the earth move under you…" she whispered, her voice filled with lust.

Tsuna let out his trademark squeak in fear. This was not what he wanted; he didn't want his first to be on a concete floor with a midget who was parading as a dead sexy woman in black!

How many people could say they had been in that position?

"Now, let's get these clothes off-"

There was a clamour, the sound of see hitting bone. Everything suddenly became consumed in an eerie silence. Viper remained dead still, before tumbling off of Tsuna without another word, out cold. The setting sun managed to partially blind Tsuna, however, he managed to make out the silhouette of a petit figure, hair shaped oddly like a pineapple.

"Who…who are you?" Tsuna asked.

His response was a trident to the head. The Vongola Tenth was knocked out cold. The figure gave a brief whimper at the act, her hands shaking violently.

"It…it is done, Mukuro-sama" she whispered.

"_Well done, my sweet Chrome, now the Vongola's love belongs to us"_


End file.
